So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 6)

There was a time when thinking about attending social functions like dinner, birthday parties, weddings; I had to gauge ‘is it worth it for the loss of my day for laundry, netflix and personal time.  Should I catch up on my sleep till late morning or make arrangements for the trip? Would the day be better spent catching up to my emails? Darn, my exam is only a few weeks away. I feel quite tired, I don’t think I will be able to enjoy it even if I made a show.’  Only a few absolutes were in my list that I wouldn’t allow myself to talk out of; everything else was secondary to the job/career. No thoughts were involved. ‘Thinking, then overthinking’ that was a downhill slope I was trying to avoid. 

A friend of mine who has been back to training from her career break went awol on us for a few days recently on whatsapp. Very unlike her. When we caught up, she said, she felt she was starting to experience burn out again. Good thing is, she was recognising the signs early. We didn’t mind. Amongst us, all of us have been in that place. Where we are trying to focus just on the task forward, a step at a time, everyone else & everything else will have to wait for us to have that space. The other said, she has been assessed. Would need at least 16-24 private sessions with psych to help her through it ‘depression and burnouts’. 60£ an hour. ‘Nhs waiting list is long. I had to go private. But even if it is around 1K, which will be more expensive with additional sessions, I don’t have the time’. All of us knew it was going to be hard when we entered the profession. All of us felt it would be manageable. Sometimes, it’s evidently proving more difficult than we expected. I feel blessed to have this support network of friends in the same profession as I am. Someone to speak our minds clearly with, someone who understands when one of us quotes, ‘I just feel bitter sometimes. Sometimes I feel I hate my job’. 

 ‘Easy things that I shouldn’t even be stressing about like the thought of waking early and not being on time for work stresses me out,’ my roommate said. ‘Even in my dreams I am chasing after the bus. I feel sad at the thought of it.’ Again, I can completely relate to her. Sometimes I wake up from sleep having heard the oncall bleep go off, at home, when I am off duty! Sharing  experiences like that to one another, trust me, earns you good long term friends. If you haven’t yet found it, there you go. One of the main advantages of our profession. I am soon going to be a bridesmaid for a beautiful bride-to-be, who I met first as colleague 5 years ago, 2 hospital jobs prior. 

Lots of lives changed due to the pandemic. In many ways mine too. I feel like, had it not pushed me to the edge, I would have still been a foolhardy person trying day & night to soak up all the stress, suppress all the frustrations and continue. I would have tried to put on a brave face as well and signed up to more hospital  training for ‘resilience, time management, working under stressful environment’ perhaps while losing internal integrity of myself. We all have read, friends of the deceased say ‘we didn’t have a clue. He was always on time, smiling and cheerful at work’. There are always subtle hints, I think, but we are too busy looking more into them.

I completely unrooted myself from one country to integrate into the society of a different country, navigating through my life while accepting English will be my tongue from here forward. In a profession of learned and intellectual individuals with graduates from Oxford, Harvard  when language fails, it is hard to avoid the first judgement. Inevitable, I would say. ‘So we push ourselves way harder, maybe to prove our worth’ I seem to agree with Dr Gabor Mate on this. Confidence overtime feels dimming down slowly, trying to fit in, in all the boxes.

I don’t think it was ever about resilience; the world I have seen, things I have been through, the degree of patience I had to have to be here where I am. I know the word very well. I have pinned the main issue  now; for me problem was  losing my head space to think, feeling trapped in a continuum and losing my own identity. Coming from a family where my parents were; farmers then into the military, trust me when I said ‘I am stressed’ I was swallowing my pride asking for that help. I wouldn’t have. If I hadn’t realised, everything that was inside me was manifesting around me. I think the pandemic did do me a big favor in that sense. And looking back I only take that experience as a big learning phase about finding myself. As my friend did, I am now able to recognise the early signs.

Of course, NHS is ever so busy. And the job is stressful as 99% of my colleagues would agree. Here is the catch, hadn’t it been so stressful, would everyone around us not have pursued it? What I mean when I say it, being an eye opener, was finding out where my limit of stress tolerance was, what are the red lights for me, what do I need to watch out from here forward? And having been through it now, what could I have done, what can be done to avoid similar in future. 

I managed to get the support I needed from my superiors and the training programme director in time. This is why choosing a region to train was very important to me and I advise, should be the main thing a graduate should be looking into. I doubt if I was a trainee in the West Midlands, I would have got the same level of help. With a lot of trainees deferring themselves from the system, hospital trusts are trying to be more accommodating now to trainee’s needs but it often seems to be optional, not necessarily the case with the system being in pressure to run 24/7. Nevertheless I would advise, please reach out, one would never know where and what help you can get unless you ask. Hopefully you will at least find someone to signpost you.

My returning objective now back to work and to training  is to protect my headspace at any cost. Of course to pass the exam, pass the year but also to aim to completely segregate my professional from personal life. It can be difficult, unfortunately we are not computers to hit the refresh button, but knowing this is a ‘must to do’ is helpful.  One thing I have done to secure this is, I am returning back as a trainee at 80% part time. 20% ‘out’ is to work on my personal goals. I am a person outside of my career with lots of roles; as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, a neighbor. To have what I want to keep while making sure I maintain at top of my productivity, cutting down on my hours was a necessary sacrifice. Particularly because this is also the time I have chosen to work on being a better version of me. Carve out those gaps that makes me feel insecure about myself. Like culinary skills. I may not become a chef but at least be able to cook a few healthy lunches/dinners to invite friends over right? Instead of ordering takeaways every time? How am I Nepalese without knowing how to make dumplings? Definitely, this year I will be investing in driving.  Then I could just drive myself anywhere, take myself to beaches, sightseeing, for the long drives, my family to picnic, road trips.  Moving around and packing my life into boxes wouldn’t be so much hassle anymore. And then there are lots of travel plans. 

I follow Jim Rohn’s motivational speeches on various topics relating to achieving success and living a better life on Youtube. The man speaks of nothing but golden words. Even his random utterance is probably worth a thousand dollar bill for commoners like me, filled with life changing advice. Just the other day I was tuned to one of his videos where I heard him say, ‘the major question to ask on a job is not what are you getting but what you are becoming?’  ‘Focus on your personal development. The major key to your better future is you’. He had emphasised.  ‘Work on your attitude, philosophy, personality, language, gift of communication, work on all your abilities’. 

There are hours of brilliant speeches out there from him. Here are other quotes from his talk called ‘Recharge your mind’, that I have copied here which I will use as mantras to guide my future.

‘You can’t change the winters, you can’t change the seasons but you can change yourself. You can get wiser, stronger and better’. 

‘Learn to take advantage of the spring. You got to seize it with your own two hands. There is a sense of urgency here. Don’t waste your springs, don’t just let them pass, pass, pass hoping time will pass.’ 

‘And in summer learn to protect, nourish and to do battles with your enemies. Some of the enemies are outside, some of them are inside’. 

I feel confident about continuing to sail my life to a positive direction. No babies in the plan for another year, no rings in the finger, paying salary, yeah I can buy myself flowers… I feel more accepting of myself ‘as a whole’. I appreciate the concoction I have become with fusion of both the worlds, absorbing best of the both countries across the globe. I don’t feel threatened anymore thinking my uniqueness as my weakness, like my ex used to say ‘exotic’, I have discovered in my eccentricity there is in fact power. Overall standing here in 2023,  the picture forward looks amazing. This is definitely a year for me, to march forward and conquer. Be the queen I was born to be.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 5)

So, I had a chance to visit Nepal during my 6 month break. The trip was short but had an amazing time. Met family and friends, went around for small trips to my favorite places. Good to know those places hadn’t changed much, kind of gives a stability to one’s memories for flashbacks. Like saying, ‘remember Mangalbazar where we used to sit down around durbar square for local tea? Yeah let’s go there’. Had momos ‘nepalese dumplings’. Lots of them everyday as much as I could. Anything else could wait another year or so if I didn’t get to stuff in this time! Cousins and related brothers & sisters had all grown up. Most of them were taller than me, some of them I couldn’t even recognise at first instance. Boys were all husky & hoarse with one or two sprouts of beard and moustache here and there. As for most mongolian asian men, that will be the most any of them will grow. But Omg their skins were clearer than mine! Girls that were once very much tomboyish now were very feminine with curvy bodies, long hairs and nail polishes & acrylic paints. Made me laugh and almost choke on my food at a party when I heard one of those boys now training to compete for Gurkha recruitment saying to his other mates, who are also his cousins, about the girls he was interested in. A couple of them! Particularly one he wished to court around to get attention and his plans for marrying her. Basically locking her into a relationship before going away! The way these boys think! Hahahaha. I am rooting for him but at the same time, a part of me also doesn’t want the girl to fall for him because I know where this route most often ends. Not uncommon for boys being head & heels in teens, jumping into marriage and then on his late 20’s or even 30’s sprouting other half of their brain; developing maturity and saying, ‘That was a foolish decision. We have nothing in common (after having children!). I have met the right woman now whom I want to marry’.  All good if he had the guts to come out open and be honest, but he thinks ‘as long as two women don’t meet’, he might be able to wing it off as long as it lasts. 2 wives in 2 different countries. Not just tragic for women, trust me, often tragic for men too.

Watched my girls all grown up, be adult women with their babies on laps. Got a ‘baby fever’, I think my hormones really got a good kick from my ovaries, protesting my stand against ‘overload of cuteness’ production. Feels like the instincts are kicking in now slowly, I didn’t think that would ever be the situation when I was growing up as a full fledged tomboy. Only ever held babies by choice in the past couple of years. Before that, I always had excuses. Don’t know how I ever got through pediatric rotation staying at least a meter away from them. I guess the trick was, always to pair up with a colleague who had powerful maternal skills and let them handle the baby while you chatted to their parents, do the charts and other things. 

They are wonderful moms. It boosts up a slight confidence in me now observing them. They tell me they don’t know anything about taking care of him or her but it seems to me they are doing a fine job. A little panicky now and then, a little anxious but all fine. Each one of them married great partners, all of whom seem to be wonderful dads. Most of my girls  met their husbands in medical school, others while in training and one pair since high school. So, knowing their husbands as friends since when I was a teen myself is very reassuring. It was an even more wonderful feeling in a sense that not only did I watch my girls be mothers and take these roles as adults but, I also had the opportunity to see colleagues/ friends assume their roles as fathers. Those girls were crazy, innocent at the same time, smart but a little socially challenged compared to other girls our age. And we did oh so many many stupid things. Did many happy dances, had cold wars… The list goes on and on. School was fun, thanks to the girls. Didn’t matter how tough it was, we pulled each other, shared notes together, covered for each other’s absences and when we passed each year we celebrated hard. Our big celebration being, sitting down with a few bottles of alcohol, drinking and dancing. Locking down the main girls dorm so that none of the crazy hens got out in the middle of night. Sometimes we’d go out for fancy dinners burrowing eachothers clothes, each one of us working on the other’s hair straightening or curling it. Oh my friends are definitely still crazy!  They still got those eyes but now, they have learnt to camouflage it better. A part of me was a little worried, they might have changed, but nah! We just got more babies in the picture. 

A twang of mild jealousy sure! Genuinely very happy for them but reminded me of my own little heartbreaks, bites away from my self worth and began questioning each one of my decisions. Took some days to reevaluate where I stand and,  I have come to the conclusion that, ‘I am actually glad I did not achieve some of these milestones. I will reach there when I am meant to get there and honestly, I don’t feel ready now at all. I don’t doubt anymore I will make a good mother. The world feels a better place having met amazing new parents who are genuinely great humans’.

‘When I made those goals, I was young. I didn’t account for my circumstances, for the hurdles I was going to encounter, the faded lines of the lanes that would cross on one and the other, here and there. I didn’t account for the times I had to stop to rest, to redirect myself, to self-talk and to keep pushing forward. There is no reason for me to feel that way, my friends’ journeys are not mine. We had different beginnings, throughout lives we have different paths and we will have different endings. Had to knock my head a little to tell myself ‘Don’t be a loser like that. Jealous of your own friends? Did I hear you were a little jealous of your own ex as well? Why? No, no, don’t be one of those losers. Passing time gossiping about others, catching on each other’s legs. Don’t waste time like that. Be happy for them. Work on your own insecurities so, you don’t give yourself a reason to feel that way’. 

And that’s the thing. ‘Working on my insecurities.’ As I have confessed many times before, I felt, my mind was all fogged, jumbled in a mess. It was like a cluttered room where I collected one more thing, dumped it there and just closed the door behind. Anxious that the room existed, even more anxious at the idea of sorting it out. Being back in the place where I previously was, with my friends who are very much the same;  reminded me where I came from and who I was. It helps, doesn’t matter what the mess looks like or the extent of it, but to know where at least the start of the mess is, because all you then do is follow the string and untangle it slowly. I see the problems here, here and here. What can I do for the solutions? What is my priority? What am I willing to lose for what I have to gain? What is it that I want? 

It’s okay, if you don’t know what you want for yourself yet. I will advise you to follow a route, keep track, rather than being absent minded and being nowhere. At least that way, by rule of exclusion, you will know whether the route you are following is definitely what you want to pursue. Goal at the end is finding happiness. To each of us, our definition of happiness is very different.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 4)

So I’m going back to training soon in about a week’s time. A bit anxious about starting in a new place, new colleagues and moving et cetera et cetera. Haven’t found the right place yet.  Started searching about  2 months earlier. I suppose I am being picky but with only a 6 months contract on hand and with landlords rejecting most applications under 1 year tenancy contract I doubt it’s just me.  I have found with my past experiences it helps immensely with my anxiety knowing the neighborhood, nearest grocery corner, bus stops and stations beforehand. Thankfully there seem to be a number of options for spare rooms too. Hopefully if not a bedroom apartment,  I am able to land a decent ensuite room with working professionals. It may be a whole new level of experience to share then. To think of it, I only have a couple of friends who are not medical! Like I must have mentioned before, you realize at some point it is really not okay to talk about malena, colour of vomit, traumatic catheter insertion inside someone’s pee hole and the deceased (of course with respect to confidentiality) in a Christmas celebration day! It can’t be normal right? 

As I have previously admitted before, I have had a good 6 months career break. I have had plenty of opportunities to self reflect. A combination of good days and bad days. But I wouldn’t trade back, not in a million years if someone said to me, ‘here, I give you 6 months on your career progression but don’t take career leave’. I would advise everyone to take it if you have been working continuously for 3-4 years or more.  It’s a different world out here with full control of your own time! You sleep when you want, you wake up when you want, you choose the days you work and make arrangements for your own leave! Without having to call the medical coordinator and your colleagues to discuss and lock down the possible dates 6 weeks in advance and bombarding the consultant’s email for authorizing swapsies.  And here is the thing, you get paid even more for the days you work!  Would it shock you when I say working locum  in this career break by picking up a few shifts, my 8 days normal hour shifts was equivalent to a month’s pay as a trainee (including out of hour night and day on call shifts) while picking my own dates to work! When I didn’t work, I was with my friends, with my family, pursuing hobbies, doing all sorts of things! Of course you do have to think about the deterrent; of choosing your freedom. Which is, you will stay stagnant in your career progression. Part time careers and  career breaks are a bit hit & miss when you enter the cycle but hey, if your objectives and goals in life align near to mine, it is only a minor setback. I can work for 6 months on a contract at a time as long as I know I am still on the route!

Do remember training in the UK as a doctor is long. Longer than anywhere else in the world. There is a big gap in the junior level workforce. Well I don’t doubt training may be made longer in the future to cover these gaps. Oh well, meanwhile a choice of life ‘working locums’ seems to be getting quite popular. And from my experience now, I say for the right reasons. If I am going to be in my late 30s or 40s by the time I become a consultant with the same or even more work load and, with additional responsibilities with a paycheck only a few hundred pounds more than a registrar in training, am I in a hurry to be a consultant anymore? Bearing in mind, I would now have worked almost a decade in training (odd hours, odd shifts, bank holidays and with a lot of sacrifices from my personal life) . The whole system shifting to consultant lead practices will not help the situation either. As it will mean another decades of intensive life  back in the system again like a trainee with bedside and out of hours works. And  with minimal training opportunities for the juniors to practice independently and develop their confidence. Which means more and more secretaries for the ward rounds, none practicing. Like my consultant says, ‘Secretaries can do your jobs better in documenting the ward round word by word then why do we need you people? Learn and practice’. Medicine is all about practice, practice and practice.

Another reason to say ‘of course’ to this lifestyle of locuming is, most of us are at that age, where we do want to travel, create memories of our lives while we still look good in pictures with full set of teeth, full hair on our heads and no incessant tic to filter our crow feet eyes. We want to have at least a small fund to afford deposit on our mortgages and have a start on the property ladder. Pay cuts are continuing to get bigger with increasing workloads. Job is getting more demanding by the day and honestly, getting through the day without sacrificing one’s personal life and mental health has become impossible. Prospect of a career seems like following a  never ending pursuit. Failing training because your training days are swapped with service provision is not acceptable? Doctors on strike, nurses on strike, medical staff on strike. What is an alternative out? With the rate some of us are experiencing burnouts, we won’t reach 66 to get our pensions. Actually by the time we reach 60s who knows what the pension age will be.

I was ambitious when I was young. There were certain time scales by which I was expecting to achieve certain things. These milestones were to gauge myself in respect to my family, friends, peers and the society. I believed back then very naively  life peaks at 30 and that’s it. My race was till 30. I had to be at the height of my career by 30, financially secure and be starting my family…  30 was the time I had to settle and slow down, having worked hard all my teens and twenties. I am in my thirties now! So from here where do I go? 

Policemen, military life; I would never dispute their life is harder than ours. No questions about it. Not even thinking about it. Only respect, respect. But then looking at the other job list, nothing else seems to be popping out of the adverts with 9am-5pm work hours and reasonable pay. Time is money. Value of money is getting smaller every second. Do you ever think, what is your time worth to you versus your employer? At this point of life, I am sure I speak for everybody when I say, we know we are the sheep. Meant to grind all our lives for our bread & butter. 5-6 years of medical school and 4-5 years of training. I am kind of disappointed  that I am restricted with my choices. I am not skilled in any equipment, any machineries, any specific traits for the jobs. I have a degree and that is it. Not that I don’t love the work I do, but wouldn’t it be a good thing to have a talent in something or a skill set? Not necessarily just or for a primary source of earning but also to have a degree of independence, a break of monotonous routine? Brilliant if it also becomes a small stream of  revenue. In the future, I will most certainly encourage my kids to learn building skills, sewing/tailoring skills, electrical/plumbing/ carpentry  or any skills that are universal and are handy in personal lives as well.  I learned how to change a bulb a year ago, taught by a friend. Usually I would have to call the maintenance guy or pay for that. Imagine it is that simple.  I was told all my life to focus on my studies alone, everything else was met by a comment either by Dad/ or Mom ‘If you are not going to be professional on it. There is no point learning it’. I suppose that’s how most Asian parents are. Anyways, should I have the determination and capacity to take the next career break I will most certainly invest it on one of the above. They say you are never old to learn new things. Professionals are really not that far away when You tube is exploding with them. Being in my thirties now makes me realise, even as adults we are still learning new things everyday. This acceptance of reality amplifies respect for the adults I had and have in my life. ‘There are uncertainties. We don’t know everything but we are trying our best’. Kudos to my millennial friends teaching financial freedoms and new ways of life to remaining of us and Gen Z. Thank you Gen X for sharing your life experinces, hacks for daily routines and motivational speeches to us.

It is important for every generations to have mentors and for every child to grow with positive mentors in their life.

Thousands ways to make life simpler and easier, all one click away. Had I looked, had I searched. I felt lost putting down my Stethoscope and going to bed watching same programs on repeat on Netflix, you know. This was definitely a needed break and an eye opener. I don’t feel we appreciate the value of mental and emotional freedom for our personal growths.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 3)

8 months ago I started dating this guy who just swept me off my feet. 8 months later, I am without my savings and on a debt. Some I just paid and some will probably take a year to pay off. ‘He is just in a difficult place, he needs some help, some stability in his life so I need to help him’ I kept reasoning myself. And even though there were days  it was very difficult for me to truly accept him for how he is or believe his stories I pushed myself to do so. ‘Thats what a virtuous woman does, she sticks to her decisions and sees it through’. I ignored the small voice in my head constantly whispering  ‘this doesn’t feel right’ and turned blind eye to my sister & my friends warning ‘red flags!’. 

No-one seemed to be accepting of him. I assumed it was the ‘ex’ effect and that it would eventually go away. Both my siblings and friends were fond of my ex so I thought it wasn’t fair on him that he was’t getting any chance to prove himself. 

That day, it was cold and drizzling. I was walking around in a new city tired, hungry and frustrated searching flats to flats for a place to rent on my own. While I was getting to the station, my boyfriend called me. ‘Can you help me pay, my account didn’t work’ he said. A pay for a second time for the same course for which I had transferred him money yesterday? It wasn’t a big amount. But if you added to the amount that had been going out of my account to his since the time we started dating, it added to roughly 14-15k. 

If he had’t made me double pay couple of times before after having transferred him through money already, believing his account was playing up again, maybe I would have let it slide. But despite knowing I needed a month’s rent money in advance with security deposit pay and other fees like agents or moving fees; listening to him be very  invested in getting my money off me still? Was hurtful and insulting. 

I thought I saw him you know. For who he is. And I told myself, if I didn’t who would. I thought he was genuine and I felt it wasn’t fair that he had to put hold on to his ambitions and dreams due to some misfortunes. He said, he lost everything in his business. ‘He has potential, he just needs a chance’. He had no-one of his own to help and I didn’t want him to feel that way and spiral down to being a lost cause; he often said he would stating ‘he had nothing to live for’.  Don’t  have money, don’t have any power either but wanted to be helpful however I could.

More than a year rent of pay. Is it not enough for? I hoped it would buy him some mental peace and space to rethink his situations. Recover, re-boost and turn himself around to a positive direction. Didn’t have it on me so I burrowed. Hoping someday he would be grateful and pay me back as well so I can pay in turn pay the creditors. ‘Can you not talk about money?’ He comments. ‘Can it just be us?’.

How can it be though? When every time he talks, it feels like he is skimming his conversation to ask for more. Paying for his air b&bs or car repairs, burrowed digits have been stagnant for a while, favours continues to climb up steeply. Wouldn’t be surprised what I get in return as burrowed money is the money I spend on finding him accommodation and maintaining his veichle to get to work.

And he calls me ‘crazy’ when I get mad. 

Why wouldn’t I be? I am working on my career break slaving for money.  50£/hr, my colleagues tease  ‘you are now printing your own money’. None of it is staying in my account. It is going to pay his credit, the burrowed money. 

Would you invest as much as I have on a person you have only started dating? Who is homeless, in-between jobs often and keeps running away? I am trying to put a brave face. But I feel at this point I have done everything I could have to stand up for this relationship. I feel stupid. One foolish decision now does impact every avenues of my life.

‘I burrowed him 600£’. 

‘You didnot!’, my girlfriends had said, the first time I transferred him the triple digits. ‘Tinder swindler’, they asked me to watch that day. And every reunion the same query ‘are you still seeing him? Be careful. He sounds like he is going to be a bad financial decision’.  It’s become a mountain since then and I have remain hushed. 

Should I say, there are women as naive as me out here to you or should I say there are women out here who still believe in building foundations from scratch for relationship. If we survive this, it will be so much better I thought. What is life without love, without passion, without taking risks sometimes…

A lot of things has happened. This year has tested my beliefs, my patience and my life choices. I thank god that at-least I was on my career break! Hahaha. 

I know of people who have lost everything and are starting from scratch. Restaurant owners before, now folding t-shirts in a factory. There is a pride in spending sweat and working hard. One doesn’t recognise value of pennies unless one works for it. Like, one doesn’t recognise value of life unless one is thriving to live for it. 

I suppose he always knew the right words to say. ‘Noone will do what I would do for you’, I suppose I wanted to hear that.

The lesson I learn from here is, don’t. ‘Don’t collect red flags’ like Steve Harvey says. The troubled souls, the broken dreamers. Life is short. Associate yourselves with positive successful people, with happy go getters, in a positive circle. Birds of same feathers flock together.. If you want happiness, you need to be surrounded with similar energy. 

There is no reason to keep proving yourself in a flawed relationship where your partner did have all the chances but never took it. I suppose that’s where women ought to be careful ‘are you lowering your standards by not letting men prove to you their worth first?’.

Anyways finally admitting to myself Italian sweetheart has bankrupt me. Now you know why ‘financial’ stability has become an ‘it’ factor for me too. Leaving him back with 2022 and moving on.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 2 )

I suppose in personal life, a major part of what 2022 taught me was, a woman needs to pair up with the other half who is emotionally, intellectually and financially on a similar level as she is. When I mean emotionally; with a similar level of life experiences, maturity and a zest for life. I have realised it is also important to consider whether your partner had a similar upbringing and a background to yours. And I will explain my reasons in the following paragraphs.  Intellectually in a sense, the decision to not date a medical person was entirely up to me so I didn’t expect my partners to know the human body inside and out. But at a level where you can see that there is an understanding and reliability; that  you can trust them with some major decisions that are going to affect both of your lives in the long run. And ‘yes’ financially. Everyone wants their partners to have a stable job that pays them out and allows them to be independent people of their own and yes’, that was an important thing for me as well. But after certain experiences in life like running around London city with 10£ in pocket to last me the whole day, I knew people’s situation changed so it was never an ‘it’ factor for me, up until now. 

At my age, I cannot risk making random decisions anymore. Unfortunately neither do I have time like in my teens to amend those over the years and turn a new leaf. Foolish decisions ‘now’ will impact every aspect of my life. Of Course there is mental health but in the same tug, other areas of  my livelihood; like family & friendships, social status and job prospects will come undone. When I was in my early teens, I used to look at people as ‘old’ not in a bad way, but as someone who is wise, knows who they are, where they stand and what their roles and purpose are; having been through plenty ordeals in their early years shaping and shifting them to their now ‘present’, at pinnacle of their lives. In my thirties now, I know how wrong my thoughts were. In my mind I don’t feel like I have aged at all, from my late teens. I still do stupid things, like commit to a relationship for 8 months with the first guy I met on a dating app. Like that time, I showed up on a photoshoot in london. Or going back  in a relationship for another year with a guy with whom I knew I had no future. Standing in 2023, I feel confident about not repeating those mistakes. At times I lash out, being bitter to the men but ‘hey’ I have moved on. I seem to forget sometimes there was a reason why they were ex’s right? Now, I try to be emotionally corked at all times hahaha. I mean, I am trying to be self aware  how I respond and react to things. I am conscious about where I vest my emotions. In today’s world one needs to be. Heart in your sleeves and you might end up being dead in a gutter, from your mansion down to sleeping bags on streets, behind the prison bars for the crimes you didn’t commit or the commonest of all, being a stepping stone for people looking for easy rides when you are working to your bones. Gold diggers. 

I want to be emotionally mature enough to feel that a girl in me can trust the adult I have become. That she is trustworthy with her decisions without doubts and fears in my mind and, she has thoroughly thought about all the consequences of her actions. That I can be the daughter I was born to be and enjoy my childhood as I was meant to like any child. So I have memories I could laugh about someday looking back. Not having to wake up one day in my thirties and suddenly realising time has left me behind. 

Standing in 2023, I don’t think I will ever be ready to be a mother. Until, I feel confident that I can raise a happy little smart girl, on my own. With no security, no fall back or reassurance needed from anyone else. ‘That I am her mother and I know best for her. And I will do my best’. I don’t think I will be ready, until I am 100% ready to sacrifice my independence and part of life like I watched mother did so. It would be good to have a trustworthy partner and at the same level of emotional maturity to be able to take that responsibility but who am I kidding? The world we live in, from a woman’s perspective, I am only coming across men who have a tag on their forehead written  ‘It’s okay I’ll sow the seeds but I will never be ready for responsibility.’

As a partner, you are either 100% in it or not. You will change diapers as much as I will and you’ll miss your social events as much as I will. If you are not all in on it, I (we- speaking for all women) don’t want your liabilities and lazy ass delta genes. WE will respect you more, if you are honest and open about it in the first instance. At least that way, we had options but we chose it to be that way.

People are in different stages of life. Some never want children. Some are not in that phase to take responsibility. I don’t feel at all that I am there neither.  Of course, so don’t sow your seeds then. Definitely not on a phase, when you are hanging out in pubs 24/7 with your lads, playing games 24/7 with your boys, living cheque to cheque but your clothes cost you more than you can afford and, definitely not when you are jobless. The list goes on and on. It may sound that I am quoting obvious but I don’t think most men nowadays have a clue at all. I don’t know if its the social medias or the construct of the social ideology we live in, people have latest i-phones in their hands but not a bit of common sense, latest technologies but are dumber than ever. Having babies is not fashion, impregnating a woman is not a mark of your manhood; responsibility is commitment, not everyone is built for it. Like look into yourselves, please don’t act 16 on a 30 year old body. You are heading fast forward on your route to becoming a peeping tom and mom’s whispering to their children ‘don’t go near that man baby creep’. Look at yourselves too ladies, there is difference being treated right with gifts and being bought with gifts. Don’t complain about losing your man to second woman if you only married him in first instance for money. For god sake, stop being victims. You make women who actually are victims puke in their throats. Its a hard realisation but grow up, time will only move forward. Soon you will all be 16 on a 70 year old bodies. Wrinkly, cranky and crazy.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 1 )

Hello year 2023! I hope you bring health and happiness to everyone around the world. I am grateful to year 2022 for amazing memories with friends and families, for my emotional well being & mental space; to be able to  recuperate and find myself again. As I filled in the diary with a list of resolutions yesterday, I realised I was getting bolder with my ambitions and positively confident of the future; there was almost a moment of ecstasy when I felt for the first time in many years the haze in mind had completely gone. For the past few years, I had been feeling like I was walking just on muscle memories following a repeated routine, like there was a fog in my vision, there was a mental block in my clarity. And irrespective of the days and hours I took to repair my thoughts, to put them in words, to study myself under a magnifying glass, to self heal, to be in-charge again; it felt as though I was patching a leak over and over again. Waking up in the morning of 2023, I feel like a fresh new tire, ready to roll. 

At some point in my life, I started to develop this tradition of reflecting on the last days of the year. Looking back at my last post on the blog, I recalled some conversation I recently had with my parents about the rights of women. ‘It is wrong’, I had said while watching another news report of an Iranian activist walking on the street in protest for abuse against women. ‘You shouldn’t concern yourself with this’, my dad had said. ‘It is wrong. Yes. We all agree there is a culture of domination against women in certain countries but you also have to understand that these women are used to wearing hijabs and to their places at home, mosques and in society. For years. They were in acceptance of the restrictions implied to them. If it is in their religion, you and all people should learn to respect it.’ I didn’t understand why there was a question of respect raised here. I didn’t personally agree I was disrespecting anyone or their religion. So I was commenting to my dad ‘No, I didn’t mean…’

But in the middle of the conversation, my mom stopped me. She said, ‘I hope it works out for them. But compare an arabic woman, Iranian lets say to a western woman here. Decently dressed to one with a piece of rope between their bottoms and walking on the street. She may say, she didn’t intend to grab attention but oh she will. Dressing provocatively like that. Too much freedom, a dress like that if it’s even a dress speaks for itself speaks for her attitude. It makes a woman lose her values. Between those two women, who do you think has my respect? Who do you think I will stop to think again before I say anything or speak to? Religion is respect, it grounds you to society and its values’. ‘Mom I understand that, I am not saying walking naked down in public is okay, I am saying…’ ‘Stop’. Both of my parents  made a face which over the years I have come to understand means ‘no further discussion from here’. When I was a kid, any further from this would have got me some whooping, now I am an adult woman. Still, I keep quiet. 

It’s hard to explain the frustration I felt, the discrepancies I felt of women’s value there, in parts of my country and here. There I used to feel like saying, ‘Oh come on, step up, fight for yourself’; here I feel like saying ‘Oh come on notch it down a little’. I was not surprised mom shut me down, but a little disappointed that she did. When she taught me my whole life, never back down what you believe in. Without saying, ofcourse, how you dress matters. But one should be able to wear whatever one is comfortable with. It would be nice to walk in shorts without having 1000 eyes on you when it’s hot and sweaty and sticky inside pants and it’s 29/30 degrees outside. Everyone has legs, it is only legs. I have just recently got back from my holiday in Nepal. Not that I didn’t know, but it hits different. Re-acknowledging the truth of how different people’s attitudes are in the world there and here. I wouldn’t feel safe walking alone at 8pm there. Here with our work rota, I used to have to walk 2am in the middle of night at home. And it still felt safer than there honestly.

Half an hour down 2023, Ukraine has been attacked by Russia, miles and miles away. While most people in most countries are at home enjoying a feast, young adults are hanging out at pubs and teens are partying at the clubs; nuclear weapons are being tested and military troops are getting organised somewhere else. An impending doom is looming over everyone’s head ,‘world war 3 is coming’ like Trump says. It has been a constant hum on the background in our routine lives for most part of 2022 I suppose. I hate what these world leaders are doing but again, wasn’t it inevitable? Looking at how the world was running for many years? There was a power play, mostly on one side. Scavenging for resources. Like every force in nature, balance needs to be restored and eventually nature will find a way.  It is sad, for humans, they are their own predators. Knives, Bombs and guns. Only humans can slaughter millions of themselves in one go. A rampaging elephant could have only murdered 5-6 people at most. She has found her perfect tool. Although wouldn’t you say, did hail plenty fury on us this year? With floods & droughts, wildfires, earthquakes and storms. Videos of the great blizzard of 2022, Buffalo New york are still circulating. Hope and pray, she calms down. And 2023 will see none of those.

AS for the war, it should not be the way to go ahead. But I salute men who have lost their lives for their countries. I salute even Putin for standing in his corner. There is honour and pride. Maybe this is military blood on me. But the world will hate him and Zelenskyy like I will, if we lose our lives & our loved ones all around the world because countries of 2 leaders could not come to an agreement in their dispute of a territory and could not shake their backs off & free their hands off the puppet masters. Ego is not the same as pride. Especially after the years we had in 2020 and 2021!

Restrictions are again being imposed by numerous countries on international travellers from China where cases of COVID have rapidly risen again after Covid quarantine & rules were lifted in the country. After 3 years of lockdown. Cannot believe how people there were coping with it? If you have followed my diary, without a doubt you know, I was in shambles.  It was sad watching updates on social media platforms showing people screaming out from their windows in apartments from one block to another, the drones constantly hovering around on the watch, people being forced to still remain inside. Thought finally it was getting over and here we go… Good news is ‘living with covid policy’ seems to be working here in the UK. Even with patients in hospital admission, most of those who have tested positive are usually incidental. I am more worried of a flu than COVID now. Honestly 🙂