So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 3)

8 months ago I started dating this guy who just swept me off my feet. 8 months later, I am without my savings and on a debt. Some I just paid and some will probably take a year to pay off. ‘He is just in a difficult place, he needs some help, some stability in his life so I need to help him’ I kept reasoning myself. And even though there were days  it was very difficult for me to truly accept him for how he is or believe his stories I pushed myself to do so. ‘Thats what a virtuous woman does, she sticks to her decisions and sees it through’. I ignored the small voice in my head constantly whispering  ‘this doesn’t feel right’ and turned blind eye to my sister & my friends warning ‘red flags!’. 

No-one seemed to be accepting of him. I assumed it was the ‘ex’ effect and that it would eventually go away. Both my siblings and friends were fond of my ex so I thought it wasn’t fair on him that he was’t getting any chance to prove himself. 

That day, it was cold and drizzling. I was walking around in a new city tired, hungry and frustrated searching flats to flats for a place to rent on my own. While I was getting to the station, my boyfriend called me. ‘Can you help me pay, my account didn’t work’ he said. A pay for a second time for the same course for which I had transferred him money yesterday? It wasn’t a big amount. But if you added to the amount that had been going out of my account to his since the time we started dating, it added to roughly 14-15k. 

If he had’t made me double pay couple of times before after having transferred him through money already, believing his account was playing up again, maybe I would have let it slide. But despite knowing I needed a month’s rent money in advance with security deposit pay and other fees like agents or moving fees; listening to him be very  invested in getting my money off me still? Was hurtful and insulting. 

I thought I saw him you know. For who he is. And I told myself, if I didn’t who would. I thought he was genuine and I felt it wasn’t fair that he had to put hold on to his ambitions and dreams due to some misfortunes. He said, he lost everything in his business. ‘He has potential, he just needs a chance’. He had no-one of his own to help and I didn’t want him to feel that way and spiral down to being a lost cause; he often said he would stating ‘he had nothing to live for’.  Don’t  have money, don’t have any power either but wanted to be helpful however I could.

More than a year rent of pay. Is it not enough for? I hoped it would buy him some mental peace and space to rethink his situations. Recover, re-boost and turn himself around to a positive direction. Didn’t have it on me so I burrowed. Hoping someday he would be grateful and pay me back as well so I can pay in turn pay the creditors. ‘Can you not talk about money?’ He comments. ‘Can it just be us?’.

How can it be though? When every time he talks, it feels like he is skimming his conversation to ask for more. Paying for his air b&bs or car repairs, burrowed digits have been stagnant for a while, favours continues to climb up steeply. Wouldn’t be surprised what I get in return as burrowed money is the money I spend on finding him accommodation and maintaining his veichle to get to work.

And he calls me ‘crazy’ when I get mad. 

Why wouldn’t I be? I am working on my career break slaving for money.  50£/hr, my colleagues tease  ‘you are now printing your own money’. None of it is staying in my account. It is going to pay his credit, the burrowed money. 

Would you invest as much as I have on a person you have only started dating? Who is homeless, in-between jobs often and keeps running away? I am trying to put a brave face. But I feel at this point I have done everything I could have to stand up for this relationship. I feel stupid. One foolish decision now does impact every avenues of my life.

‘I burrowed him 600£’. 

‘You didnot!’, my girlfriends had said, the first time I transferred him the triple digits. ‘Tinder swindler’, they asked me to watch that day. And every reunion the same query ‘are you still seeing him? Be careful. He sounds like he is going to be a bad financial decision’.  It’s become a mountain since then and I have remain hushed. 

Should I say, there are women as naive as me out here to you or should I say there are women out here who still believe in building foundations from scratch for relationship. If we survive this, it will be so much better I thought. What is life without love, without passion, without taking risks sometimes…

A lot of things has happened. This year has tested my beliefs, my patience and my life choices. I thank god that at-least I was on my career break! Hahaha. 

I know of people who have lost everything and are starting from scratch. Restaurant owners before, now folding t-shirts in a factory. There is a pride in spending sweat and working hard. One doesn’t recognise value of pennies unless one works for it. Like, one doesn’t recognise value of life unless one is thriving to live for it. 

I suppose he always knew the right words to say. ‘Noone will do what I would do for you’, I suppose I wanted to hear that.

The lesson I learn from here is, don’t. ‘Don’t collect red flags’ like Steve Harvey says. The troubled souls, the broken dreamers. Life is short. Associate yourselves with positive successful people, with happy go getters, in a positive circle. Birds of same feathers flock together.. If you want happiness, you need to be surrounded with similar energy. 

There is no reason to keep proving yourself in a flawed relationship where your partner did have all the chances but never took it. I suppose that’s where women ought to be careful ‘are you lowering your standards by not letting men prove to you their worth first?’.

Anyways finally admitting to myself Italian sweetheart has bankrupt me. Now you know why ‘financial’ stability has become an ‘it’ factor for me too. Leaving him back with 2022 and moving on.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 2 )

I suppose in personal life, a major part of what 2022 taught me was, a woman needs to pair up with the other half who is emotionally, intellectually and financially on a similar level as she is. When I mean emotionally; with a similar level of life experiences, maturity and a zest for life. I have realised it is also important to consider whether your partner had a similar upbringing and a background to yours. And I will explain my reasons in the following paragraphs.  Intellectually in a sense, the decision to not date a medical person was entirely up to me so I didn’t expect my partners to know the human body inside and out. But at a level where you can see that there is an understanding and reliability; that  you can trust them with some major decisions that are going to affect both of your lives in the long run. And ‘yes’ financially. Everyone wants their partners to have a stable job that pays them out and allows them to be independent people of their own and yes’, that was an important thing for me as well. But after certain experiences in life like running around London city with 10£ in pocket to last me the whole day, I knew people’s situation changed so it was never an ‘it’ factor for me, up until now. 

At my age, I cannot risk making random decisions anymore. Unfortunately neither do I have time like in my teens to amend those over the years and turn a new leaf. Foolish decisions ‘now’ will impact every aspect of my life. Of Course there is mental health but in the same tug, other areas of  my livelihood; like family & friendships, social status and job prospects will come undone. When I was in my early teens, I used to look at people as ‘old’ not in a bad way, but as someone who is wise, knows who they are, where they stand and what their roles and purpose are; having been through plenty ordeals in their early years shaping and shifting them to their now ‘present’, at pinnacle of their lives. In my thirties now, I know how wrong my thoughts were. In my mind I don’t feel like I have aged at all, from my late teens. I still do stupid things, like commit to a relationship for 8 months with the first guy I met on a dating app. Like that time, I showed up on a photoshoot in london. Or going back  in a relationship for another year with a guy with whom I knew I had no future. Standing in 2023, I feel confident about not repeating those mistakes. At times I lash out, being bitter to the men but ‘hey’ I have moved on. I seem to forget sometimes there was a reason why they were ex’s right? Now, I try to be emotionally corked at all times hahaha. I mean, I am trying to be self aware  how I respond and react to things. I am conscious about where I vest my emotions. In today’s world one needs to be. Heart in your sleeves and you might end up being dead in a gutter, from your mansion down to sleeping bags on streets, behind the prison bars for the crimes you didn’t commit or the commonest of all, being a stepping stone for people looking for easy rides when you are working to your bones. Gold diggers. 

I want to be emotionally mature enough to feel that a girl in me can trust the adult I have become. That she is trustworthy with her decisions without doubts and fears in my mind and, she has thoroughly thought about all the consequences of her actions. That I can be the daughter I was born to be and enjoy my childhood as I was meant to like any child. So I have memories I could laugh about someday looking back. Not having to wake up one day in my thirties and suddenly realising time has left me behind. 

Standing in 2023, I don’t think I will ever be ready to be a mother. Until, I feel confident that I can raise a happy little smart girl, on my own. With no security, no fall back or reassurance needed from anyone else. ‘That I am her mother and I know best for her. And I will do my best’. I don’t think I will be ready, until I am 100% ready to sacrifice my independence and part of life like I watched mother did so. It would be good to have a trustworthy partner and at the same level of emotional maturity to be able to take that responsibility but who am I kidding? The world we live in, from a woman’s perspective, I am only coming across men who have a tag on their forehead written  ‘It’s okay I’ll sow the seeds but I will never be ready for responsibility.’

As a partner, you are either 100% in it or not. You will change diapers as much as I will and you’ll miss your social events as much as I will. If you are not all in on it, I (we- speaking for all women) don’t want your liabilities and lazy ass delta genes. WE will respect you more, if you are honest and open about it in the first instance. At least that way, we had options but we chose it to be that way.

People are in different stages of life. Some never want children. Some are not in that phase to take responsibility. I don’t feel at all that I am there neither.  Of course, so don’t sow your seeds then. Definitely not on a phase, when you are hanging out in pubs 24/7 with your lads, playing games 24/7 with your boys, living cheque to cheque but your clothes cost you more than you can afford and, definitely not when you are jobless. The list goes on and on. It may sound that I am quoting obvious but I don’t think most men nowadays have a clue at all. I don’t know if its the social medias or the construct of the social ideology we live in, people have latest i-phones in their hands but not a bit of common sense, latest technologies but are dumber than ever. Having babies is not fashion, impregnating a woman is not a mark of your manhood; responsibility is commitment, not everyone is built for it. Like look into yourselves, please don’t act 16 on a 30 year old body. You are heading fast forward on your route to becoming a peeping tom and mom’s whispering to their children ‘don’t go near that man baby creep’. Look at yourselves too ladies, there is difference being treated right with gifts and being bought with gifts. Don’t complain about losing your man to second woman if you only married him in first instance for money. For god sake, stop being victims. You make women who actually are victims puke in their throats. Its a hard realisation but grow up, time will only move forward. Soon you will all be 16 on a 70 year old bodies. Wrinkly, cranky and crazy.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 1 )

Hello year 2023! I hope you bring health and happiness to everyone around the world. I am grateful to year 2022 for amazing memories with friends and families, for my emotional well being & mental space; to be able to  recuperate and find myself again. As I filled in the diary with a list of resolutions yesterday, I realised I was getting bolder with my ambitions and positively confident of the future; there was almost a moment of ecstasy when I felt for the first time in many years the haze in mind had completely gone. For the past few years, I had been feeling like I was walking just on muscle memories following a repeated routine, like there was a fog in my vision, there was a mental block in my clarity. And irrespective of the days and hours I took to repair my thoughts, to put them in words, to study myself under a magnifying glass, to self heal, to be in-charge again; it felt as though I was patching a leak over and over again. Waking up in the morning of 2023, I feel like a fresh new tire, ready to roll. 

At some point in my life, I started to develop this tradition of reflecting on the last days of the year. Looking back at my last post on the blog, I recalled some conversation I recently had with my parents about the rights of women. ‘It is wrong’, I had said while watching another news report of an Iranian activist walking on the street in protest for abuse against women. ‘You shouldn’t concern yourself with this’, my dad had said. ‘It is wrong. Yes. We all agree there is a culture of domination against women in certain countries but you also have to understand that these women are used to wearing hijabs and to their places at home, mosques and in society. For years. They were in acceptance of the restrictions implied to them. If it is in their religion, you and all people should learn to respect it.’ I didn’t understand why there was a question of respect raised here. I didn’t personally agree I was disrespecting anyone or their religion. So I was commenting to my dad ‘No, I didn’t mean…’

But in the middle of the conversation, my mom stopped me. She said, ‘I hope it works out for them. But compare an arabic woman, Iranian lets say to a western woman here. Decently dressed to one with a piece of rope between their bottoms and walking on the street. She may say, she didn’t intend to grab attention but oh she will. Dressing provocatively like that. Too much freedom, a dress like that if it’s even a dress speaks for itself speaks for her attitude. It makes a woman lose her values. Between those two women, who do you think has my respect? Who do you think I will stop to think again before I say anything or speak to? Religion is respect, it grounds you to society and its values’. ‘Mom I understand that, I am not saying walking naked down in public is okay, I am saying…’ ‘Stop’. Both of my parents  made a face which over the years I have come to understand means ‘no further discussion from here’. When I was a kid, any further from this would have got me some whooping, now I am an adult woman. Still, I keep quiet. 

It’s hard to explain the frustration I felt, the discrepancies I felt of women’s value there, in parts of my country and here. There I used to feel like saying, ‘Oh come on, step up, fight for yourself’; here I feel like saying ‘Oh come on notch it down a little’. I was not surprised mom shut me down, but a little disappointed that she did. When she taught me my whole life, never back down what you believe in. Without saying, ofcourse, how you dress matters. But one should be able to wear whatever one is comfortable with. It would be nice to walk in shorts without having 1000 eyes on you when it’s hot and sweaty and sticky inside pants and it’s 29/30 degrees outside. Everyone has legs, it is only legs. I have just recently got back from my holiday in Nepal. Not that I didn’t know, but it hits different. Re-acknowledging the truth of how different people’s attitudes are in the world there and here. I wouldn’t feel safe walking alone at 8pm there. Here with our work rota, I used to have to walk 2am in the middle of night at home. And it still felt safer than there honestly.

Half an hour down 2023, Ukraine has been attacked by Russia, miles and miles away. While most people in most countries are at home enjoying a feast, young adults are hanging out at pubs and teens are partying at the clubs; nuclear weapons are being tested and military troops are getting organised somewhere else. An impending doom is looming over everyone’s head ,‘world war 3 is coming’ like Trump says. It has been a constant hum on the background in our routine lives for most part of 2022 I suppose. I hate what these world leaders are doing but again, wasn’t it inevitable? Looking at how the world was running for many years? There was a power play, mostly on one side. Scavenging for resources. Like every force in nature, balance needs to be restored and eventually nature will find a way.  It is sad, for humans, they are their own predators. Knives, Bombs and guns. Only humans can slaughter millions of themselves in one go. A rampaging elephant could have only murdered 5-6 people at most. She has found her perfect tool. Although wouldn’t you say, did hail plenty fury on us this year? With floods & droughts, wildfires, earthquakes and storms. Videos of the great blizzard of 2022, Buffalo New york are still circulating. Hope and pray, she calms down. And 2023 will see none of those.

AS for the war, it should not be the way to go ahead. But I salute men who have lost their lives for their countries. I salute even Putin for standing in his corner. There is honour and pride. Maybe this is military blood on me. But the world will hate him and Zelenskyy like I will, if we lose our lives & our loved ones all around the world because countries of 2 leaders could not come to an agreement in their dispute of a territory and could not shake their backs off & free their hands off the puppet masters. Ego is not the same as pride. Especially after the years we had in 2020 and 2021!

Restrictions are again being imposed by numerous countries on international travellers from China where cases of COVID have rapidly risen again after Covid quarantine & rules were lifted in the country. After 3 years of lockdown. Cannot believe how people there were coping with it? If you have followed my diary, without a doubt you know, I was in shambles.  It was sad watching updates on social media platforms showing people screaming out from their windows in apartments from one block to another, the drones constantly hovering around on the watch, people being forced to still remain inside. Thought finally it was getting over and here we go… Good news is ‘living with covid policy’ seems to be working here in the UK. Even with patients in hospital admission, most of those who have tested positive are usually incidental. I am more worried of a flu than COVID now. Honestly 🙂