So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened (After vaccinations)

As you may know, I have been a strong advocate for COVID vaccination throughout the pandemic.  On 8th December 2020, a 90 year old from Coventry became the first person to be vaccinated in the NHS. Following that, the campaign for mass vaccination was gradually rolled out to everyone in the UK and with a huge success rate. 

Collectively, we let out a big sigh of relief when the vaccine was introduced to us, following its clinical approval by WHO. It came as a ‘first break,’ from the crunching back pain we were starting to struggle with from the physical and emotional burdens of various sorts that were piling one after another over us. I applaud each of my colleagues and all the essential workers for holding their face up and showing up to work diligently despite those struggles gripping them on their backs. 

In my daily practice, without fail, I have encouraged all of my patients to get vaccinated.  I would say the same for my colleagues. We got vaccinated first ourselves, as we were the primary line of defense between an infected individual and the rest of the community. As I may have mentioned, some of us did have some degree of reservations, as the nature of urgency by which the vaccine had to be developed meant it probably didn’t go through enough rigorous examinations for the risks it might potentially cause versus the curative aspect the drug was providing. At the time, it was important that we kept the faith in our scientists, the field experts and this miracle drug, ‘the vaccine’ they had invented. History says, faith in them saved thousands of us from death, disabilities and deformities.  

Amidst the first wave of pandemic, we were desperate to take control of the situation. From the dreadful outlook charted by the steeply rising death tolls. Morgues couldn’t hold enough corpses. Deaths in communities were slow to report, as some had passed away, alone in their homes while trying to stay away in isolation from clasps of Covid. We didn’t know anything about it, for what felt like ages in the beginning. A lot of things we did learn were picked up from watching vigilantly around us. As it happens in the world of medicine, tallying symptoms, signs and parameters of one patient with another.  Unfortunately in most cases those that died. Why did that patient die? What can we avoid, what can we do to prevent it, how do we know if someone is heading towards a late stage, at what point do we embrace ourselves for it and notify the family? What can we learn from this case so we can save another. 

Only later when they discovered COVID transmission was mainly air borne, it confirmed the suspicion my colleague was raising, why two unrelated wards were having covid outbreaks. The air vents were connected. 

We have come to a time now where we no longer fear COVID to an extent we did in the first wave. We have learned as many of the variants as we could have, about this constantly mutating virus itself and the changing vaccinations combinations we had been administered in the period.    Outbreaks of flu are getting more common and causing more admissions of the aging population now and as clinicians, for COVID we are more focused on infection precautions like personal protection measures & isolation for 10 days. 

We have entered phase 4 of the trial in a sense. Like that for most medicines available out there in the market. Phase 4 trial for any drug means, this is a period where the drug that has proven its efficacy, has been licensed for use by relevant control boards for intended purpose will now be studied on its effects- mainly long term risks and benefits. This is the period where data will be coming in and collected in mass about the minor/major adverse effects/ side effects experienced, complications and sequelae secondary to it. A drug may have completed its phase 4 on research however one can assume phase 4 in the clinical world runs forever. A drug may have certain side effects for a small duration period but may have a completely different adverse effect after years of use on the same patient. By virtue of collective toxicity over prolonged use or by modifying effect of some other medication he might be using concurrently or by adaptation in some forms by his genetics or as his function of organs changes. For example with age our kidney function deteriorates physiologically. That is why our guidelines even for first line drugs after many years of use often changes. When the data collected after long years maybe even decades, prove that the harm outweighs benefits in the contrary of beliefs, it has to be. The drug will either be taken off the market then, used in other diseases where success has been crucial for patients or as a specialist prescription. Every medicine you take comes with a leaflet of  its intended use and series of effects. 

There had been uproars about violation of individual liberties in many instances. Including government mandated vaccinations that was rolled out for frontline workers with patient facing jobs, with risk of dismissal in most cases and possible redeployment if there was resistance. Legal enforcement of activities as such have led and continues to lead communities marching against protest for breach of their human rights. I must say, although I had never been a big supporter of those marches, especially if it meant less vaccinations in the community at the time of outbreak, mandation by law with no redundancy plans for those who wish to leave spoke volumes of where we stood in roles in the scheme of big picture. In world war one, 97% of British soldiers were inoculated with anti typhoid vaccination. Articles I have read infers that most did not know they had the right to refuse it. And although it prevented deaths and infection by typhoid at the time of sanitary status of the wars; military approaches for domination, affirmation, experimentation without consideration of individual choice and rationale for refusing it in the name of greater glory for the service of mankind, is unacceptable. How many have been trialed since? Ideal candidates of the right age in full physical fitness in a controlled environment. The risk here is reinstallment and propagation of the same behaviour in future, mass human trials, without a second of thought for ethical implications of it? 

Most of us experienced local pain, fever, headache and general myalgia with our vaccinations. Similarly, some people had allergic reactions. It is important to remember these vaccines act by modulating your immune system so these effects were to be expected. Most effects were noted in the first few months as that is when immune system is maximally activated against the insult. The later effects, if any because of these insults,  may take time to show. There have been circulating reports of various adverse effects experienced attributed to Covid vaccine although the argument is, they could possibly be related to covid 19 infection itself or subclinical infection prior to vaccination as well that he/she did not demonstrate any symptoms of. Blood clots were detected quite early. Studies are now showing, there has been an increased incidence of neurological conditions like guillain barre syndrome, bell’s palsy. Some reports of inflammation in the muscles of the heart. People’s story of their own experiences with vaccinations are coming forward. Like its impact on fertility after experiencing menstrual irregularities, generalised fatigues, recurrent headaches etc. Accounts from brave whistle blowers are coming forward. There is ongoing world wide surveillance and reporting of the adverse reactions, which I hope will be duly studied before dismissing as mass hysteria.

It is important to be transparent, now more than ever, to keep communities’ faith in our profession, and our continuing faith in scientific advances, pharmacological companies, world leader platforms and the government. And most importantly, it is vital that people standing in power including the government work on their approach to reinforcing the means of ‘greater good’ with respect to individual’s liberty in mind. Endemic, epidemics and pandemics are part of human history. Like seasons have their cycle and place in nature, unless there are outbreaks of bio hazards due to human errors, we should expect nature will find us surprises along our course.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Why the beginning? )

‘Hey doctor, did you forget to change your face mask?’ Our nurse in charge stopped me before hopping from one cubicle to another cubicle to see COVID patients. ‘Oh, sorry’, I replied immediately, laughing at my forgetfulness. Remembering the time, in the midst of a pandemic when I splashed water in my face without realising I had a mask on.

It is February 28th/2023 today and ‘No, COVID hasn’t gone away yet’. But as I have claimed before, it isn’t as intimidating as it used to be. Juggling your memory again, ‘remember that time? December 2019? When city of Wuhan in China first went into lock down to control the deadly virus from spreading elsewhere.’

I started writing amidst of pandemic waves. Overtime I have talked about lots of things. The beginning of all these parrot tale was a silly story which I have mentioned before. Basically I had a dream. I don’t remember the details of it now, but I do recall ‘sort of being instructed to write’ and ‘sort of being introduced to this title’ and, ‘feeling good about scribbling something in my dream that I have no clue what it was.’ The memory of it is all vague, it has been more than a year. But I do remember mentioning to my ex saying, ‘I feel like I need to write about this, about this pandemic’, that morning. I don’t know if he has any recollection of it. People have all sort of dreams. My friend mentioned once she had a dream where she was a flying ninja fighting crime in the city. Like who sees that? Is that normal? Something about this one though, it planted a sincere and undying motivation, almost like a promise to myself, to sit in front of laptop and start hitting the keys every chance I get, no matter how tired or lazy I felt. I didn’t know where to start but I had to. Am I religious? I don’t know. Is there God? I believe there is. In that case, do I think it’s God’s message then? Certainly not, I wouldn’t go that far. Bonkers! Experts believe, ‘dreams are revelations of your subconscious minds.’ Maybe, somehow I found a way to tap into mine that night.

It was a work at first. I didn’t want to jot the bleak situation of hospital capacities, circumstances of deaths with the virus infection, forlorn eyes of mourning individuals, resentful words of grief stricken families, hateful comments with racial slurs, fears for own health & families safety and physical/emotional burnouts; but those were the realities. Re-living the emotional experience whilst writing when I could push it and shove it down, like an adult, never to be spoken about; may have been an option but I chose not to do so. 12- 13 posts down the line, writing became more easier, sort of a way of venting to express myself and I suppose at that point, it started becoming a selfish endeavour to save myself.

My intention in some ways was also to give ‘the readers’, a peek of life of a medic. A glimpse away to lives inside hospital walls, the ups and downs we face in our career living up to our responsibilities and in our personal lives; in a hope that you see these individuals not just as a professionals but also as a son or a daughter, your friend or your colleague, your uncles or aunts or your father or mother. That you are kind to them. ‘Yes every profession deserves a kindness’, I am not here requesting any more ‘just at a level you would give any individual at your standing.’ The world seems to have forgotten that as a medic in our profession, ‘we deserve some humility and respect too’.

‘No, it is not right that you curse the nurse in front of zillion other patients when she is not answering your call. She is looking after 9 more patients on her own and, is currently on a drug round. ‘

‘Yes, he does have right to not forgive you after the temper tantrum you have shown for your quote *had a bad sleep*’.

‘We do have every right to refuse to treat you as a doctor as you have a right to be refused being treated by us’.

‘Please cover yourself. It is basic human decency. Not to flash your breasts or penises when we are specifically not examining those parts’.

‘We will attend you, however there are long list of patients waiting before you, unless it is a life threatening emergency. We need not tolerate emotional or physical intimidation because you want to jump the queue’.

And most importantly. ‘No you do not get any excuse to rain down on another individual just because you are sad, lonely, angry or in pain.‘ Would you have tolerated it, if it happened to you in your profession? Why are we any different?

I ask you, would you kindly see me or my colleagues beyond our stethescope on our necks and our badges reading ‘doctors’ and accept us like any other individuals in society with running clocks of our own private lives? Just as you? We are men and women in careers, each one of us with our own personalities and a background of running commentary. Would you see us as humans too? Yes we have certainly adapted to restraining our emotions but we still feel. Your expressions whether its happiness or anger, affects our days. At the end of the day, we do take a lot of emotions back to our homes. We do need a period to switch off, unwind, hit the power button and recaliberate ourselves. It is not fair to be expected to be available 24/7 like movie industries portrays our commitment to profession should be like. It is not fashionable, as it seems. Please don’t expect us to stay another hour individually for your service especially to vent about receiving minimal service and threatening to leave.

The number of hospital admission have sky rocketed compared to 10 years ago in the NHS, I am sure so is the case all around the world. Quality of life has improved on various domains of people’s lives including work environment but I am not sure if that has been the case in our profession. My seniors could argue ‘our lives is much better now’ but, that would be like me arguing ‘quality of children’s lives is much better now’. Children now don’t even know if they are humans or goats. And schools are entertaining drag shows to kindergartners. Look where we are standing in human history.

On 13th March, Doctors in England are doing a 72 hour mass walk out as an industrial action for pay restoration. In the past, I had commented in my post that doctors and nurses were being paid less in significant percentage than they were being paid in these profession, years prior. My phone is blinking continuously now from constant messages posted on junior doctor’s forums, mainly sharing information from different trusts that are releasing intimidating messages to their employees suggesting their will be consequences for their actions. Disciplinary actions, loss of pays. So, everyone including me who has just joined a new hospital in a new rotation are basically sitting on hot seats now.

I came across a very interesting post on tiktok. (Oh yes, since I have returned from Nepal. Now I have started using tiktok. hahahaha). The post (Huw Corness) on 02/Jan 2023 reads ‘When I qualified as a nurse in 2010 my basic hourly wage was £10.83 and freddos were 10p so I was paid 108 freddos an hour. The nurses who qualify now start on £13.84 an hour and freddos are 25p so they are paid 55 freddos an hour’. I hope this gives you some idea of why it is necessary to stand in unity for support. Not to forget, our profession undoubtedly is a big chunk where tax revenue comes from.

You don’t have to necessarily support the cause. I will agree there are plenty jobs which deserves more limelight than us. That I have utmost respect for. But I hope, you will keep in mind when you enter the hospital premises next time that these are the professionals that are trying their best to their jobs, to provide you with help that you came seeking for, at their doors. You are not a prisoner unless of course you were brought in handcuffs by the police. As much as we treat you individually and with respect, please’ remember to reciprocate.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 6)

There was a time when thinking about attending social functions like dinner, birthday parties, weddings; I had to gauge ‘is it worth it for the loss of my day for laundry, netflix and personal time.  Should I catch up on my sleep till late morning or make arrangements for the trip? Would the day be better spent catching up to my emails? Darn, my exam is only a few weeks away. I feel quite tired, I don’t think I will be able to enjoy it even if I made a show.’  Only a few absolutes were in my list that I wouldn’t allow myself to talk out of; everything else was secondary to the job/career. No thoughts were involved. ‘Thinking, then overthinking’ that was a downhill slope I was trying to avoid. 

A friend of mine who has been back to training from her career break went awol on us for a few days recently on whatsapp. Very unlike her. When we caught up, she said, she felt she was starting to experience burn out again. Good thing is, she was recognising the signs early. We didn’t mind. Amongst us, all of us have been in that place. Where we are trying to focus just on the task forward, a step at a time, everyone else & everything else will have to wait for us to have that space. The other said, she has been assessed. Would need at least 16-24 private sessions with psych to help her through it ‘depression and burnouts’. 60£ an hour. ‘Nhs waiting list is long. I had to go private. But even if it is around 1K, which will be more expensive with additional sessions, I don’t have the time’. All of us knew it was going to be hard when we entered the profession. All of us felt it would be manageable. Sometimes, it’s evidently proving more difficult than we expected. I feel blessed to have this support network of friends in the same profession as I am. Someone to speak our minds clearly with, someone who understands when one of us quotes, ‘I just feel bitter sometimes. Sometimes I feel I hate my job’. 

 ‘Easy things that I shouldn’t even be stressing about like the thought of waking early and not being on time for work stresses me out,’ my roommate said. ‘Even in my dreams I am chasing after the bus. I feel sad at the thought of it.’ Again, I can completely relate to her. Sometimes I wake up from sleep having heard the oncall bleep go off, at home, when I am off duty! Sharing  experiences like that to one another, trust me, earns you good long term friends. If you haven’t yet found it, there you go. One of the main advantages of our profession. I am soon going to be a bridesmaid for a beautiful bride-to-be, who I met first as colleague 5 years ago, 2 hospital jobs prior. 

Lots of lives changed due to the pandemic. In many ways mine too. I feel like, had it not pushed me to the edge, I would have still been a foolhardy person trying day & night to soak up all the stress, suppress all the frustrations and continue. I would have tried to put on a brave face as well and signed up to more hospital  training for ‘resilience, time management, working under stressful environment’ perhaps while losing internal integrity of myself. We all have read, friends of the deceased say ‘we didn’t have a clue. He was always on time, smiling and cheerful at work’. There are always subtle hints, I think, but we are too busy looking more into them.

I completely unrooted myself from one country to integrate into the society of a different country, navigating through my life while accepting English will be my tongue from here forward. In a profession of learned and intellectual individuals with graduates from Oxford, Harvard  when language fails, it is hard to avoid the first judgement. Inevitable, I would say. ‘So we push ourselves way harder, maybe to prove our worth’ I seem to agree with Dr Gabor Mate on this. Confidence overtime feels dimming down slowly, trying to fit in, in all the boxes.

I don’t think it was ever about resilience; the world I have seen, things I have been through, the degree of patience I had to have to be here where I am. I know the word very well. I have pinned the main issue  now; for me problem was  losing my head space to think, feeling trapped in a continuum and losing my own identity. Coming from a family where my parents were; farmers then into the military, trust me when I said ‘I am stressed’ I was swallowing my pride asking for that help. I wouldn’t have. If I hadn’t realised, everything that was inside me was manifesting around me. I think the pandemic did do me a big favor in that sense. And looking back I only take that experience as a big learning phase about finding myself. As my friend did, I am now able to recognise the early signs.

Of course, NHS is ever so busy. And the job is stressful as 99% of my colleagues would agree. Here is the catch, hadn’t it been so stressful, would everyone around us not have pursued it? What I mean when I say it, being an eye opener, was finding out where my limit of stress tolerance was, what are the red lights for me, what do I need to watch out from here forward? And having been through it now, what could I have done, what can be done to avoid similar in future. 

I managed to get the support I needed from my superiors and the training programme director in time. This is why choosing a region to train was very important to me and I advise, should be the main thing a graduate should be looking into. I doubt if I was a trainee in the West Midlands, I would have got the same level of help. With a lot of trainees deferring themselves from the system, hospital trusts are trying to be more accommodating now to trainee’s needs but it often seems to be optional, not necessarily the case with the system being in pressure to run 24/7. Nevertheless I would advise, please reach out, one would never know where and what help you can get unless you ask. Hopefully you will at least find someone to signpost you.

My returning objective now back to work and to training  is to protect my headspace at any cost. Of course to pass the exam, pass the year but also to aim to completely segregate my professional from personal life. It can be difficult, unfortunately we are not computers to hit the refresh button, but knowing this is a ‘must to do’ is helpful.  One thing I have done to secure this is, I am returning back as a trainee at 80% part time. 20% ‘out’ is to work on my personal goals. I am a person outside of my career with lots of roles; as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, a neighbor. To have what I want to keep while making sure I maintain at top of my productivity, cutting down on my hours was a necessary sacrifice. Particularly because this is also the time I have chosen to work on being a better version of me. Carve out those gaps that makes me feel insecure about myself. Like culinary skills. I may not become a chef but at least be able to cook a few healthy lunches/dinners to invite friends over right? Instead of ordering takeaways every time? How am I Nepalese without knowing how to make dumplings? Definitely, this year I will be investing in driving.  Then I could just drive myself anywhere, take myself to beaches, sightseeing, for the long drives, my family to picnic, road trips.  Moving around and packing my life into boxes wouldn’t be so much hassle anymore. And then there are lots of travel plans. 

I follow Jim Rohn’s motivational speeches on various topics relating to achieving success and living a better life on Youtube. The man speaks of nothing but golden words. Even his random utterance is probably worth a thousand dollar bill for commoners like me, filled with life changing advice. Just the other day I was tuned to one of his videos where I heard him say, ‘the major question to ask on a job is not what are you getting but what you are becoming?’  ‘Focus on your personal development. The major key to your better future is you’. He had emphasised.  ‘Work on your attitude, philosophy, personality, language, gift of communication, work on all your abilities’. 

There are hours of brilliant speeches out there from him. Here are other quotes from his talk called ‘Recharge your mind’, that I have copied here which I will use as mantras to guide my future.

‘You can’t change the winters, you can’t change the seasons but you can change yourself. You can get wiser, stronger and better’. 

‘Learn to take advantage of the spring. You got to seize it with your own two hands. There is a sense of urgency here. Don’t waste your springs, don’t just let them pass, pass, pass hoping time will pass.’ 

‘And in summer learn to protect, nourish and to do battles with your enemies. Some of the enemies are outside, some of them are inside’. 

I feel confident about continuing to sail my life to a positive direction. No babies in the plan for another year, no rings in the finger, paying salary, yeah I can buy myself flowers… I feel more accepting of myself ‘as a whole’. I appreciate the concoction I have become with fusion of both the worlds, absorbing best of the both countries across the globe. I don’t feel threatened anymore thinking my uniqueness as my weakness, like my ex used to say ‘exotic’, I have discovered in my eccentricity there is in fact power. Overall standing here in 2023,  the picture forward looks amazing. This is definitely a year for me, to march forward and conquer. Be the queen I was born to be.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 1 )

Hello year 2023! I hope you bring health and happiness to everyone around the world. I am grateful to year 2022 for amazing memories with friends and families, for my emotional well being & mental space; to be able to  recuperate and find myself again. As I filled in the diary with a list of resolutions yesterday, I realised I was getting bolder with my ambitions and positively confident of the future; there was almost a moment of ecstasy when I felt for the first time in many years the haze in mind had completely gone. For the past few years, I had been feeling like I was walking just on muscle memories following a repeated routine, like there was a fog in my vision, there was a mental block in my clarity. And irrespective of the days and hours I took to repair my thoughts, to put them in words, to study myself under a magnifying glass, to self heal, to be in-charge again; it felt as though I was patching a leak over and over again. Waking up in the morning of 2023, I feel like a fresh new tire, ready to roll. 

At some point in my life, I started to develop this tradition of reflecting on the last days of the year. Looking back at my last post on the blog, I recalled some conversation I recently had with my parents about the rights of women. ‘It is wrong’, I had said while watching another news report of an Iranian activist walking on the street in protest for abuse against women. ‘You shouldn’t concern yourself with this’, my dad had said. ‘It is wrong. Yes. We all agree there is a culture of domination against women in certain countries but you also have to understand that these women are used to wearing hijabs and to their places at home, mosques and in society. For years. They were in acceptance of the restrictions implied to them. If it is in their religion, you and all people should learn to respect it.’ I didn’t understand why there was a question of respect raised here. I didn’t personally agree I was disrespecting anyone or their religion. So I was commenting to my dad ‘No, I didn’t mean…’

But in the middle of the conversation, my mom stopped me. She said, ‘I hope it works out for them. But compare an arabic woman, Iranian lets say to a western woman here. Decently dressed to one with a piece of rope between their bottoms and walking on the street. She may say, she didn’t intend to grab attention but oh she will. Dressing provocatively like that. Too much freedom, a dress like that if it’s even a dress speaks for itself speaks for her attitude. It makes a woman lose her values. Between those two women, who do you think has my respect? Who do you think I will stop to think again before I say anything or speak to? Religion is respect, it grounds you to society and its values’. ‘Mom I understand that, I am not saying walking naked down in public is okay, I am saying…’ ‘Stop’. Both of my parents  made a face which over the years I have come to understand means ‘no further discussion from here’. When I was a kid, any further from this would have got me some whooping, now I am an adult woman. Still, I keep quiet. 

It’s hard to explain the frustration I felt, the discrepancies I felt of women’s value there, in parts of my country and here. There I used to feel like saying, ‘Oh come on, step up, fight for yourself’; here I feel like saying ‘Oh come on notch it down a little’. I was not surprised mom shut me down, but a little disappointed that she did. When she taught me my whole life, never back down what you believe in. Without saying, ofcourse, how you dress matters. But one should be able to wear whatever one is comfortable with. It would be nice to walk in shorts without having 1000 eyes on you when it’s hot and sweaty and sticky inside pants and it’s 29/30 degrees outside. Everyone has legs, it is only legs. I have just recently got back from my holiday in Nepal. Not that I didn’t know, but it hits different. Re-acknowledging the truth of how different people’s attitudes are in the world there and here. I wouldn’t feel safe walking alone at 8pm there. Here with our work rota, I used to have to walk 2am in the middle of night at home. And it still felt safer than there honestly.

Half an hour down 2023, Ukraine has been attacked by Russia, miles and miles away. While most people in most countries are at home enjoying a feast, young adults are hanging out at pubs and teens are partying at the clubs; nuclear weapons are being tested and military troops are getting organised somewhere else. An impending doom is looming over everyone’s head ,‘world war 3 is coming’ like Trump says. It has been a constant hum on the background in our routine lives for most part of 2022 I suppose. I hate what these world leaders are doing but again, wasn’t it inevitable? Looking at how the world was running for many years? There was a power play, mostly on one side. Scavenging for resources. Like every force in nature, balance needs to be restored and eventually nature will find a way.  It is sad, for humans, they are their own predators. Knives, Bombs and guns. Only humans can slaughter millions of themselves in one go. A rampaging elephant could have only murdered 5-6 people at most. She has found her perfect tool. Although wouldn’t you say, did hail plenty fury on us this year? With floods & droughts, wildfires, earthquakes and storms. Videos of the great blizzard of 2022, Buffalo New york are still circulating. Hope and pray, she calms down. And 2023 will see none of those.

AS for the war, it should not be the way to go ahead. But I salute men who have lost their lives for their countries. I salute even Putin for standing in his corner. There is honour and pride. Maybe this is military blood on me. But the world will hate him and Zelenskyy like I will, if we lose our lives & our loved ones all around the world because countries of 2 leaders could not come to an agreement in their dispute of a territory and could not shake their backs off & free their hands off the puppet masters. Ego is not the same as pride. Especially after the years we had in 2020 and 2021!

Restrictions are again being imposed by numerous countries on international travellers from China where cases of COVID have rapidly risen again after Covid quarantine & rules were lifted in the country. After 3 years of lockdown. Cannot believe how people there were coping with it? If you have followed my diary, without a doubt you know, I was in shambles.  It was sad watching updates on social media platforms showing people screaming out from their windows in apartments from one block to another, the drones constantly hovering around on the watch, people being forced to still remain inside. Thought finally it was getting over and here we go… Good news is ‘living with covid policy’ seems to be working here in the UK. Even with patients in hospital admission, most of those who have tested positive are usually incidental. I am more worried of a flu than COVID now. Honestly 🙂

A dog story for a tradition (So you’re a Doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened’

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/49496172 podcast link

‘She is 10 years old. Such a shame. It will be one of my biggest regrets. She would have made an excellent therapy dog’. A patient said to me over the phone talking about his Labrador.

“I was waiting in the hospital for my appointment, sat on a bench outside with her. When a young bloke sat next to me. He was shaking/shivering when he sat. And he asked me ‘Can I pat your dog?’. ‘Yes’ I replied, and after patting her for some minutes he completely stopped shaking and he looked like a different man. That day I thought, I must put her as a therapy dog. But with all this COVID such a same that she couldn’t.“

Although the risk is very low, by now we know that COVID can infect our beloved pets in close contact and vice versa. The symptoms are very similar to us; fever, cough, cold symptoms, shortness of breath, lack of energy, diarrhoea, vomiting, flu like illness. On 10th November/2021 GOV.UK published on press release ‘COVID-19 confirmed in a pet dog in UK’. After the press release and even prior to the press release there has been various interesting studies done surrounding impacts of COVID on pets and their pet owners. Some of the conclusions suggest very positive impact for the owners in terms of having a psychological support in form of companionship during lockdown and on pets-with more pet time from their owners for training and activities. BBC news on 12th March/2021 posted ‘Households buy 3.2 million pets in lockdown‘, mentioning that the main driving factor for rise in the ownership was the ‘social isolation.’

Other studies shows, there may have been a handful of challenges to pet owners mostly in dogs in terms of coping with stress of behavioural problems with their pets, accessing pet services as needed and food supplies. While on the pets especially dogs; less out door exercise and play time. Overall, all these researches on pandemic has highlighted again, why our human kinds has always been very fond of acquiring and keeping pets since time unknown. And how these fury friends continue to help us in many ways and have won special places in our heart.

Joey parents have a cocker spaniel. He has a beautiful lavish fury golden coat. Just like fresh honey stolen out of a bee hive, but a little darker shade. Very handsome little thing. They absolutely adore him. One of the family member is always at home to make sure he is not left alone and on the days they are at work, he dropped at the care centre, where he apparently has made some friends. When he returns from the centre Joey is always super excited. The first thing he does when he wakes up on the weekends is watch out of window to see if his little furry friend that is barely a year old is out on the garden or not.

When we were growing up, we also had a dog. Dogs’ actually. One passed away at about 15 years old and other passed away quite young at about 2 years. We got the second one some time later after the first one passed away, the only male pup from a litter of puppies. He was a gift to us from our relative, who had promised us one when Dorje (my dog) ‘s mom was still pregnant. He had said ‘if only there are male pups’. Luck for us and he had 6 fingers on each legs on his paws!

My mom is very fond of dogs. I suppose I was at some point too. I love them, but not to an extent to emotionally invest on one. It is a big commitment so I try not to get sucked into their bewitching innocent eyes. Someday? Yes may be. But I would like to very much have a Himalayan dog again if I did. The one I had before on both occasions. But Joey tells me after some research, obtaining pet passports, health records, vaccination status and with flights it will cost me fortune. And also introducing a whole different breed of dog to the UK will be a lot cumbersome.

Himalayan dogs are amazing. We call them ‘bhote kukur’ in Nepali. They are generally big dogs, with big broad rectangular heads, black beady or brown eyes, furry, usually on heavy black coats or with brown patches on a black coat. My first dog was call ‘Bhalu’. Because he exactly looked like a black baby bear cub! When I first held him, I could barely lift him properly. Even for a few days old baby, he had massive big paws, very sharp nails. The second one ‘Dorje’ was a quite small compared to Bhalu, but he was also very handsome dog nonetheless. He had light brown/yellowish distinct patches on a black coat around his eyes, on his tail, on his chest and on his paws. It took me a while to like him, but how adorable were his 6 fingers on front paws! 22 total fingers! He was special.

My mom has her own story about her dog. And as I would pass along my little tale and description about the dogs I had, she passed me description and the tale about her dog. And in some ways, the day Bhalu passed away was the story of our start of tradition.

Her dog name was ‘Sindhuli’. She was a very massive black coated dog like Bhalu was, a very beloved family member and a hard working herding dog. Her job was to work with herdsman and guide the cattle up to the highlands called ‘bukhi’ in the winter for grazing and then bring them back down the village after the winter had passed, when some vegetations would have started sprouting back to life. Her job also involved making sure the sheep and the cows didn’t strand far along the route on the way or while they grazed and to protect them from the foxes, wolves and other predators. When the herdsmen made their way to village, mom says, she’d be the first one to appear in the village. With a big bell ringing as it dangled in her neck, everyone then would know the winter had passed, their men and the herd were coming back home.

‘She was obedient. She did her own thing. She knew what her job was. But, one day, she didn’t return back on time. Then the men came with their drums, beating on it to make an announcement for the village’.

‘The dog of the Oak family‘, they said ‘has become rabid. It is heading its way to the village now. All people are to stay clear of the dog. It is very dangerous’.

‘We were shocked. We heard, she had fought with some wolves while on high land and was now infected. When she arrived, she looked dirty, beaten with hunger and exhaustion, as though she was walking semi conscious. Saliva was trickling down her jaws, her tongue was out, her eyes were sticky with clumps of pus/discharge in corners. She recognised us. Would growl when she would come across any strangers but to us, she was docile. But we were scared to go near her. Rabid dogs are mad, they are dangerous and people die… She sat on our verandah and made growling noise every time she heard any noise, mainly water. She was scared of water’. At this point, my mom was crying, wailing like a child that was re-living her painful experience. And while wiping my own tears, missing my a friend of 15 years, I held her hands trying to calm her down.

‘The villagers were scared. They all gathered and came to us saying, the dog was dangerous and had to be put down. There was no option. A dog dies in 1o days with rabies but no one could wait. So my uncle said, ‘I raised this dog from the day it was born like my own child. I hand fed her, I took care of her. She is a family. So if it has to be done, it has to be me’.

‘We lured her gently with a meat loaf to a tree’. Mom started wheezing taking rapid shallow breath unable to complete her sentence. ‘Tied her on it with a rope and my uncle shot her in the head.’

‘The look she gave to him and to us while she understood what we were about to do…’. I was concerned for my mom at this point because she was starting to look flushed with bluish tinge on her lips, her eyelids were swollen and the tears were falling down relentlessly. ‘I can never forget it. The look she gave.. She was so shocked; from the pain, not from the bullet that was about to hit her but from the treachery, from the disbelief of watching her own master/ her family turn their backs and be ready to take her life. Before the trigger went and we heard the loud noise, we watched her close her eyes in defeat. Waiting to be done… Oh what must she have thought, after all these years of becoming loyal, my masters are killing me’.

Mom blew her blocked nose in a piece of tissue and put her hand across her chest trying to control her breath. It was then, I understood the trauma of her loss was much bigger than mine by many folds even after all these years. She is in her early 50s now. She was merely on her teens then. At least, Bhalu passed away of age, it was inevitable. I had some time to say goodbye, I cannot imagine if I could have ever gathered enough strength to put him down, in circumstances like that.

Its a loss of friend after investing so many years of emotions even though they are ‘pets’. It hit me harder than losing a human friend. I didn’t know her that long as long as I had known my dog. So I completely understand the panic it must have created in pandemic with anxieties building up with lack of care facilities and delay in urgent services offered for pets. As far as I am told, most were classed as ‘non -essential’ travels/services. Studies have suggested, there aren’t any robust plans for situations like this COVID pandemic for our pets, who are now very integral part of our lives and societies. Shouldn’t we be working on one now?

I read some stories where people gave up their pets last minute because they were not able to take care of them. I hope they found right homes. Better to give in for adoption than to raise in abuse. I have regrets of my own not being able to give my dogs the right care, not being able to give enough space to stretch their legs in urban city. I could barely hold Bhalu when he ran, he was so powerful, he would drag me sliding from one end of the ground to the other. Eventually I’d have to let him go and return home with bruises in my elbows, legs and face. Then Mom had to go searching, before the whole neighbourhood started panicking seeing the giant running around chasing their little fufu and toy dogs. He was very troublesome. Had a big personality. Loud and very unfriendly to others. But I loved him, we loved him in our own way to pieces.

Impressions (So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened)

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/49494970– podcast link

 I’ve been living in this flat for about 2 and half years now. And the only times I’ve met my landlord was one when I first took over the key and signed the contract and the second, was a few months earlier at the end of last year when I had locked myself out of the apartment and I needed the master key from him to get in. My first impression of him was, he was a lovely person and quite specific to points he wanted to put across. The second impression was, well I am not so sure. Because he looked kind of grumpy. Understandably because he had to drive on a sunny Saturday afternoon to open the door for a tenant and also because was sat out ready to have lunch when I happened to call. We all know how ‘hangry’ feeling is. As soon as he saw me, he headed for the flat door, unlocked it, got back on his motorbike immediately and drove home without even saying proper hi or goodbye. 

At that time my thought was, ‘well I’ve been living here paying my monthly bills for 2 and half years now so at least you could do me one favour smiling.’

But, by a strange coincidence I met him a few days ago as a patient. And now my whole impression of him has changed. 

I really didn’t recognise him until I saw his name and queried ‘are you my landlord?’. To which he replied, ‘if you are the person on your tag then yes I am your landlord.’ 

The person I saw a couple of months ago and was intimidated with happened to be quite charismatic, polite, kind man in his 70s who had come a long way in his life. It feels as though now after spending an ample amount of time with him, I have now looked into him ‘inside and out’. Still battling through a lot of hardships and pain everyday with his medical condition, he impresses me with his strength of character.

I really wanted to help him that day. Make sure he got the medical attention he was seeking immediately. Basically whatever I can do from my end. 

Sat in the bed, looking at the creamy beige painted walls of his property that I had made home for past years; I can’t help thinking now how different our perceptions of people are in different settings. How our interactions of minutes can leave a lasting impression on individuals and how changeable we are with our presentations and our effects according to our circumstances. 

I suppose in a way that meeting with him came as some kind of unspoken lesson for me, to be mindful enough to not judge a person based on a few interactions. And to be open enough to accept that the best version I felt from him that day was perhaps the real version of him. This reflection also came with an implication in my professional life. My friends say, my expressions are like an open book. My emotions easily shows off in my frowns, in narrowing/lifting of my brows and in my eyes. Sometimes I am hurt, sometimes I am bitter, sometimes I am happy and sometimes tired and frustrated. These are the emotions one goes through when one deals with a number of people as  a job on a day to day basis. ‘People affect emotions’. They are variables you cannot change, unlike following a routine in an office cubicle where you might have some uniformity to anchor on. Sometimes a patient will make your day, you feel like finally you have made a small difference in a person’s life. We ‘medics’ are suckers for an ego boost, desperate to please in service. Other times you have to remind yourself you are professionally obligated to serve. Doesn’t matter why the inmate was in prison whether for a rape or a murder.  So, gauzing my expression when I interact and /or communicate to a patient is an important skill I need to work on.

‘Oooh you have a perky butt’, a patient in his late 80’s recently commented on me. I didn’t know if I was to laugh, tell him off politely or just walk away pretending I didn’t hear. I just walked off. I had a laugh on my own later thinking to myself,  ‘Oh aren’t we naïve? To feel so protective of the olds like new-born babies with their pearly eyes and lost expressions when we know they may not be as innocent as they seem. They might be entirely different person or live very different lives outside these gates. Some, maybe we approve of. And some, maybe we don’t’.

Professionally we shouldn’t and we cannot judge. And although by human nature, instinctively, first impressions are what we depend upon, to determine whether a person is friend or foe; in a medical world, you will learn to tone down that intuition. I learned it is a skill that you must acquire to be a part of this profession.

Occasionally I meet these amazing people that I love listening to. It may be just 5mins of the day but the interaction leaves a lasting impression. ‘Oh I travelled everywhere. You got to. I have no regrets‘. One of my elderly patient said to me. And immediately then I thought that should be my motto too. I should at least see a couple of wonderful places while I don’t have commitments with family of my own.

‘I haven’t talked to my brother for so many years. But what could I have done, we had to run away, she was the love of my life. She still is.’ Other patient narrated his tale the other day and the way he said it. It was sad yet I was very happy for him at the same time. Difficult to describe those emotions together. He too said, ‘You have a photographic face. Very expressive face.’

Life is happening in the world out there and I too want to be a part of it. Follow the light.

All aside from the point, like our patients we do leave a lasting impressions in 5 minutes allocated time we have to spare them in a list of 15- 20 reviews everyday. It is important to ensure that as professionals we hold our emotions to ground no matter what time it is or the situation is. Our actions should prove that we are there to serve in their best interest. Our goal is to win their confidence to ensure that they adhere to the advice and the treatment given. It is important to build a rapport because, as a patient to their doctor they are emotionally vulnerable to us. Their medical history, mental health history, social history, personal details everything is open to us in our records. Yes, it is like as if we have seen them ‘inside and out’. And that is a lot of trust to give to a stranger.

We aren’t cold hearted with faded, dull and detached personalities. We are very much receptive of our surroundings and very attuned to your needs, we are just better at camouflaging it, being a third party and being objective so we can treat you better. Trust me outside the hospital premises, we too have our whole other lives rolling out.

I was supposed to give a month’s notice before moving from my flat. I am looking to move to a cheaper place which will be costing me half my monthly bill that I am paying at present. I love my privacy and this little flat, however I think at present it is wiser for me to cut back on my expenses than take an extra shift. I am telling myself, if I want to stop dreaming and start making things happen ‘this is the way to go’. The room I will be moving into is quite small, it is a single room in shared accommodation. It is going to take a lot of effort for me to adjust there. But, like everything it is one of those decisions I have to take as a part of accepting my adult life. We all can’t have a house with open rooms and a lovely garden in the suburbs of our own, otherwise who is going to pay the rent/mortgage right?

I contemplated for a while thinking whether it is  appropriate for me to give my landlord a notification now that I know what his situation is. Especially when there is a financial security to think of. But, I did end up sending the notification later. With my training ending soon in a few months, I won’t have any job to rely on for continuous income and any savings on expenses I could cut is going to be a big help.

I have packed my bags today for a ‘girls night out’. 4 of us are meeting after 1 and half years. We are all doctors. It is very rare for all of us to be off work at the same time. So when we do get an opportunity, we make the best out of it. We will be staying in some fancy hotel and be up all night chattering about our lives. Lot to talk about. And there is a free pool! I guess that’s the joy of being working and/or middle class person, when you work so hard to earn you party hard on your spend!!

(Apologies earlier version of this post was rough draft 🙂 )

Finding inner peace (So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened)

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/49494665 podcast link

So Covid is a side story now. No longer a headline news which is probably for better because it means, now we are learning  to live with it. I remember the fear when it first swooped across the continents with red blotches appearing everywhere in the world map one by one, it was intense. There was a moment when each one of us thought humanity was heading towards our doomsday, steadily and there was nothing we could do about it. Now, on 2022  March, it has been completely legal for a Covid infected individual to walk about the streets and give COVID to anyone.

BBC news on 24/02/22 posted the headline ‘Covid: End of legal need to self isolate in England’. It wrote, ‘the changes are part of the prime minister’s Living with Covid plan to transition back to normality’ and summarized the key changes as,

As of 24th Feb:

-People who test positive for Covid will no longer be legally required to self isolate but they will still be advised to stay at home for at least five full days. 

-Routine contact tracing will end, so fully-vaccinated close contacts and those under 18 will no longer be legally required to test daily for 7 days. 

From 1st April:

-Free mass symptomatic and asymptomatic testing for the general public will end, and will instead be targeted towards the most vulnerable. 

-Government guidance on COVID passports will end and it will no longer recommend venues use the NHS COVID pass. 

GOV.UK on its website on 14th March/2022 has now posted, ‘The government will remove the remaining COVID-19 international travel restrictions for all passengers from 4am friday 18th March’. Which means, no one entering the UK despite their Covid vaccination status will need to take Covid tests or fill passenger locator forms (PLF). And there will  no longer be hotel quarantine following arrivals from the end of March. 

It has quoted Health and Social Care Secretary Sajid Javid stating ‘We will continue monitoring and tracking potential new variants and keep a reserve of measures that can be rapidly deployed if needed to keep us safe. We can remove final restrictions thanks to the incredible success of our vaccination programme, which has seen 8 out of 10 adults across the UK boosted.’

Gov.uk has also quoted Tims Alderslade, Chief executive of Airline Uk saying, ‘We’re grateful for the timing of the announcement as we prepare to welcome back passengers this Easter and summer, for which we know there is huge pent-up demand, and for the UK’s leadership in being the first major aviation market to remove all remaining restrictions.’

But Daily mail UK on 16th March/22 on its headline wrote ‘UK’s Covid wave grows on all fronts as another 91,000 Brits test positive overnight: Daily cases rise by a third in a week, hospital admission spike 30% and deaths jump by a quarter.’

Seems like playing pingpong eh? Glad to hear the sky is all free to roam about now without restrictions, hurray! On the other hand, like the dailymail wrote, our bays that were closed to Covid have now started to open again. 

Let’s look back at the past 2 years. Look at all the discoveries we have made in the field of medicine. Of course there are the vaccines, the steroids, Remdesivir, Tocilizumab, Sarilumab, monoclonal antibodies (Ronapreve-for non-omicron variant infections, sotrovimab- for Omicron variant infections ); I am sure there are still many more on various phases of trials. I understand it was and is still hard to stay positive, but a cup half empty is also half full. 

I have now finally managed to get time out of my training. I too have had a good 2 reflective years looking into many domains of my life that previously I had never given enough thought to. Schools, uni, medical school then job. Along the way; there were – Internal wars between Maoist & government, massive earthquake of 7.8 magnitude, COVID the pandemic and now the headlines are reading ‘Ukraine’s NATO concession as air strikes batter capital’. 

It is easier to destroy than to build. To wipe out entire cities of thousands of population in a minute than to help them settle and rebuild lives. All the technologies and science involved into nuclear energies, and we still haven’t found a cure for cancers. A pill a day everyday. Is it really all that can be done or instead of a shot of chemo dose, fuelling everyday chemo pills has better revenues? Personal interests everywhere are costing lives. Destructive forces are more in play than the constructive mentalities. Nuclear energies. I suppose are more lucrative to invest on. How long has the fear of nuclear attacks been haunting us? Iodine tablets are disappearing from markets now, bought in apprehension of inevitable. Everything around us is shuffling in chaos, it is becoming harder to find inner peace. 

So, it is about time I think, I pack my bags and leave for the forests and the hills. Remember, what life is one more time outside of routine, out of timed clock checking in and out and days & night that disappears into mundane with building anxieties. Out of the media, constant emails and the messages popping everyday, to begin again from the point where I started. Regain, re-control my life from dwindling fall. I can only help if I can help myself. I can only extend help if I have a strong hold. With so much that has happened in past few years, I feel like it is getting harder by the day to clutch the reins and control the ride.

30 years from today, if I make it, I hope I can say, ‘I lived my life and survived through it all. And I have no shed of tears or regret of things that I have not done. Yes. I have lived it.’

So you are a Doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened (Gurkha)

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/49464622 podcast

Laure dai le bida  liye sanu rel ma chadera

Kanchi nani runchin samjhana koseli diyera 

Bhagya bhaye vetaula bida ma arko sal

Navaye samjhana lai kusume rumal 

Kusume rumal, kusume rumal

Soldier brother bid his goodbye stepping on a small train 

Sweet girl cries giving him a remembrance parting gift 

If written in faith, we shall meet in holidays next year 

If not, for remembrance a silk handkerchief

A silk handkerchief, a silk handkerchief

Basa hai aama 

gaye hai baba

Lahure bhai aajako dina 

Farki aaula kunai dina

Be seated okay mom

I am leaving okay dad 

Becoming a soldier from today

I shall return someday

These are the lyrics of songs from the Nepalese movies about the life of a soldier and their loved ones. The theme of the song is  ‘goodbye’ on both.  These are two of my favourite songs. And perhaps, of those who were brought up in a similar environment like me. And heard it repeatedly while growing up, played by their moms or aunts everyday in the background while they carried on with their usual lives of household work.  

I have tried my best to translate it into an equivalent meaning in English, hoping you’d understand why they felt so relatable to these songs. And tearful often, because both the lyrics talked about the uncertainty of the soldier ever being together again with his loved ones. 

My father was recruited in Gurkha at 17, he thinks possibly younger. At those times, and in remote village settings like his, there was no official paperworks to establish or confirm his real birth date. Galla (a person who officially recruits) would visit villages of settlements from certain ethnic groups  like Gurung, Magar, Rai and limbus at those times. And would  amass a battalion of boys/young men by the end of a certain period in a year. Once recruited, they would be flown off or shipped off or transported on trains and buses beyond hills that they thought never ended, to a world beyond seas and vast oceans that they had heard of but never seen. They were told, this was time to establish the worthiness of their capabilities and strength to the community that had already proven their heroism in the battlefields, hung their medals out on their doors, and walked with pride with their crutches supporting an amputated leg in the rough roads of stone and rocks in hilly terrains. 

‘Some of them would go to India, some to the UK, some to Brunei and some to Singapore police’, my dad said. ‘I don’t know for others but training was very hard for us then.’ He added, looking in disbelief that my brother has got himself recruited too. ‘Our commanders would ask us to make a human bridge and walk on our bare backs, back and forth with their boots on. We would be left in the middle of Brunei forest with a bag of ration and water just enough to survive a week which we had to be very careful with, because we never knew if we had to survive on it for months. On the back pack we’d be carrying our pantries, sleeping bag, ropes, survival kits, jack-knife, shocks, tapes and a lot of things; and in that heat and humidity of Brunei forest with a heavy rifle on our shoulder, people would collapse. Then there are the mosquitoes. Sometimes when we’d finally remove our clothes, we’d see nasty abrasions at the site of bergen straps on our shoulders. There would be rashes everywhere in the skin especially on the groins where sweat trickles. Feet inside those thick shocks and heavy boots itched, cracked and sometimes peeled off painfully if you were not careful with it. If you can’t walk at that time, who’d carry your ration and supplies? Everyone is in a state. I remember while I was resting, I would be popping out my abscesses in the skin, some kind of insect bites; if you don’t do that it would spread with infection.’

‘The training has become very soft now’, my uncle remarked  in our family gatherings last occasion. ‘They have started mixing our boys with white boys’, he laughed jokingly, ‘look at our sons! They are not tough.’ As far as I know from my families, all first generation from our dads and uncles have now recruited themselves. Not necessarily in infantry division the frontiers but as a part of service in various skill sets. 

My mother often remarks bitterly, again, during these conversations, ‘these Ranas and the bahuns set the recruits aiming at us, so that they can get rid of us. Taking away our boys and the men.’ 

There has always been a social clash from generations between certain caste and ethnicities in Nepal. Although it is not obvious now, as it did in previous times, people still often think twice before they mingle. Marrying from another caste will still be frowned upon in some families. And there are of course horrible hierarchy systems with words such as ‘untouchables’ being used. 

‘They now steal our surnames to get recruited. Look how times have turned.’ She added. Everyone agreed, 4 pairs of adult individuals in the rooms, who had served their time in military life. She makes it sound like an attempt to genocide by the rulers, the Ranas back then. It makes me sad to think it that way, who knows. This was never mentioned in my history lesson. `We did what we had to, what we were asked to do. It all turned out for the better’. My uncle answered.

‘Watch that movie’, my mom remarked, suggesting to me a movie that was supposedly based on our ethnic history many years ago.  ‘That is how they took away our kingdom’. There is still some degree of lingering anger I can sense on her. As for me, I was taught in my school that the kingdoms were overthrown to make a country ‘Nepal’, and it was all for a good cause. 

Luckily for my father and uncles, who were prepared for the war, did not experience the world wars themselves. But as a dedicated wife to Gurkha, my mom had made a point to closely follow Gurkha organizations based in Nepal and commit to it as much as she could. As a child I remember sometimes going to these gatherings, and dozing half the time in my seat. Speaker after speaker took their turns on the mic. I don’t think I registered anything from those events, except a statement made by an old Gurkha VC that ‘human flesh tastes rubbery’. The thought of cannibalism was in some ways, a little traumatic at that time. 

Recruitment under Gurkha regiment is now a goal with promise of a good life among young boys and men in Nepal. Certainly  a getaway ticket from the country that is politically very unstable with an uncertain future. There is now a regional selection held every year  in Nepal, which is recognised to be one of  the toughest selection processes in the world. Unlike our grandfathers or fathers era who were most likely to be handpicked by Gallas, then asked to prove their physical strength; these men will have to compete for very limited 100 -200 spots that opens every year with thousands of contenders, in many levels. Medical assessment, education and physical assessments.  It seems in 2017, for 230 posts there were 25,000 applicants. Now imagine securing that spot from all those competitors; Gurkha soldiers are very popular among the ladies.

In Nepal, you’d have to think 10 times before you reject their approach as eligible bachelors. These guy are mentally driven, smart, physically fit, have a decent job with a good reputation and you get to travel/live in different parts of the world as their partner! My mom approached me quite early in medical school too with a suitable prospect from a Gurkha soldier. There is this strange automatic transfer of trust and faith from one soldier to another, when it comes to personal relationships. It’s like all their lives they have latched themselves inside the doors and when they hear it’s a Gurkha on their doorstep, boom! They come out flying outside the house.  

‘If the girl agrees, of course’, was my parents’ response. It was a moment of pride for them, to learn that a Gurkha soldier is a suitor. 

Times were different back then.

Our history has come a long way since 1814. Freedom had a price. With garlands of fresh plucked out marigolds and khatas in their necks, these brave soldiers departed their homelands and warm embraces with puffed out chests and pride, to the war zones; carrying in their shoulders  so many lives that they were leaving behind to blossom and to live. Tearing with sincere gratitude, with good wishes and love from their families and communities, knowing in their hearts that they may never come back and this was indeed their last goodbyes. Smiling blissfully but painfully as they waved their hands across from the trains and busses to the children, to the women and to the old; with grey skies raining of marigolds and the flowers along their paths. Patting on each others back, of brothers they had never known before, repressing their own incessant sobs; reminding themselves before marching ahead and strapping on to the rifles on a foreign soil that, ‘this was not a moment to be weak, but to be glorious. A gurkey doesnot return a drawn khukuri without blood on its blade’.

Handpicked for a garland from a garden of peace, a battalion of selfless souls sewn together for a ritual sacrifice; soon these men became the most revered, the most feared.

No matter what people say, the books write and the world wants to believe in; this is the history I was a part of. No family of Gurkha should ever have to bow their heads in shame of their origins. We hold our heads and we held them high.

We are but the branches and leaves of the same root.

So you are a Doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened (Protect them)

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/48921404 podcast link

I don’t know where to start when I want to talk about Joey. Simply put, I would describe him as an ‘amazing person’. There are many instances, many memories  I have of us at this point to justify that description. But if I was ever asked to narrow it down all to one word, I would say, it’s his ‘patience’. Joey is the most patient guy I know. And he has this great ability to transfer that calmness to me when I’m feeling a bit edgy for any reason. 

I have been open about my hoarding behavior in my past posts. I’m still trying to get over it but since it is difficult for me to get rid of my belongings that I seem to be very attached to, it has proven harder than I had imagined. I don’t know, I am still trying to find the explanation/logic behind my triggers. May be I just need a bigger house!! Hahaha. Good news is, at least I have managed to control my online shopping. If I’m not buying anything, I won’t be keeping anything. Right?

There is still no space in the sitting hall to stand. A while ago, Joey came down to visit me, during which I was preparing for my exam.  It was a membership exam, cost me about 500 quid, and was 6 hours long.  I absolutely couldn’t fail because I had no energy to prepare again with my full time work, go through hassles of requesting arrangements for my study leave for the day and needless to say I  didn’t want to lose the money. I had just come off the long day shift on Sunday that evening, finished late at 09:00pm, ate some dinner  and went off straight to bed. My notes were all over the place, the sink had dirty dishes from 3 days and the sitting hall; I still couldn’t open its door. He was down there in my flat to support me, just in case there were any technical issues with my online exam. 

While I sat the whole day on Monday locked in my room, going through the preparation materials, he took the sitting hall to use as his office. There was absolutely no space. The sofa was drowned with clothes I was trying to sort out, he literally had to move them all on one side and had to find just enough area to sit in one corner. No. He didn’t complain the whole time, not at least till my exam was over because he didn’t want to stress me out. And trust me, he is a very neat person. Every time I am at his house, all things are in their right places where they belong, the decor of his rooms are very spacious etc etc. So you can only imagine the level of  patience it takes to spend whole days in my living room. 

There have been occasions when we had disputes and I would be fuming with anger. I am the kind of person who really doesn’t get mad, but if I do it is hard for me to amend easily. At these times I have been loud, quite vocal, but Joey, he has never really raised his voice at me. When we have disputes, he goes away to another room to give me my peace and approaches me later, himself again when I have calmed down. I find this behaviour quite weird. Intellectually it makes sense, it is an adult thing to do, we are trying to go through our emotions rationally; but emotionally, it feels as though I’m waiting for him to shout at me or say something bitter. Only that way, I would probably really know we had a fight and now we need to sort things out. Usually ‘sorting things out’, in my mind set, is not talking for days till one of us gives up their ego and admits he/she is wrong. But we don’t go through that process in our relationship. He comes back to me after a few hours and suddenly it’s all mended and we are back to being in terms again. 

And now, I go to him first, when we have disputes. Because I want to be a bigger person too.

You know, he was just raised right, when you see how he carries out himself under situations like this. I am not implying my own brothers were not. I am their sister, I know they turned out to be fine men. I still call them when I get lost in London and they are ready 24/7 to give me directions. I still call them when I lock myself out of my apartment, cause I’m scared of my landlord, to ask for help! Hahaha. But one of them will spend 2 hours traveling to me, to get me that spare key. I just meant, he would never raise his voice at women. Or me, in that sense. The amount of patience this man has is amazing. 

When we first started talking, I recall one day I was stranded in a town and was waiting for a taxi. But for some reason, my taxi kept leaving without seeing me. I had just arrived from London at 11pm by train with a lot of train delays and 2 hr later, I was still there alone in a station at 01:00am. I happened to randomly text him at that point, and he was very helpful. He was with me on the phone till I got into the taxi and reached home. He made me feel safe. Like with my brothers or my family members you know. You don’t have to hit someone, fight some one to show how much of a man you are. Its things like this. It was quite relieving to know, I now knew someone I could trust in some ways and depend upon. 

Good things are hard to come by. So, when they do, I know, we have to hold them. Of Course sometimes we need to fight for it. But I suppose that makes the win even sweeter. He is interesting. In a sense that, I am aware how educated he is about the world, yet very unacquainted, unfamiliar at the same time. We came from very different parts of the universe. And there is an element of innocence on him, that I feel should be protected at all cost. 

Joey is anxious nowadays with what is going on about Ukraine and Russia. Russia has launched a full scale invasion on Ukraine now, on 24th February/ 2022. ON 01st/March, it is day 6 today. Constantly looking into the news. The idea of world war breaking is silently tormenting his head. Like COVID that was once beyond borders. He feels the war might soon come breaking inside our doors. 

The world is always going to be in chaos. I wish, it wasn’t. But there will always be dictators and their greed for power and control. There are always going to be walking dead men in the war zones fighting with pride and valour, never understanding what lead to this, that they are being slaughtered like cattle at the command of one man. They had life, they had dreams. For those who grew up amidst these, with bullets and gun news everyday fearing for everyday safety, I suppose it is not new. I have few memories of my own. Humanity is sinking, suffocating at their hands, from these leaders, that we so blindly trust on; while a child’s innocence is being wiped away face by face.  A few weeks ago, countries from the Middle East were all over the papers.

There is an element of innocence that I feel should be protected, an innocence in a grown man. There is patience and an infinite capacity to accept people, love and forgive them. These are not the hands that can carry a gun. These are not the eyes that can rest for a day seeing the horrors of the war or cruelties of mankind. He was not raised to be a soldier. They were not raised to be soldiers. It is sad, that children will grow again in this nestling fear that history will repeat again.  2 years ago, we were all united to fight against COVID and now we are dividing again.

The world will never be the same, if we don’t protect these boys, protect these men at all cost. We should. Because, if we, on rise of the next leader, we all shall too follow his virtues of patience, kindness and acceptance. There will never be walking dead men again, taken away from mother’s love or a lovers arm or be a child; growing up without a security and an assurance of a bother or a father. Everyone will be safe in that world. Everyone will be happy. Protect them.

So you are a Doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened (Hunting for Mr Right/ Miss Right)

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/48920528 podcast link

‘Save that photo and the details I gave you just in case the guy I am seeing turns out to be a creep’. 

‘Okay’ I texted back my friend, holding on to a picture of a stranger on my mobile phone who she is about to meet for a date. Over the past few years I have accumulated a couple of these random people that I have never met, and possibly never will. Of course I delete them over time, once we have established they are indeed who they are and are reasonably mentally stable to accept that ‘the date didn’t go that well’. 

If you go over my phone now, chances are you may still find a collection of random blokes.  Thank God Joey respects personal privacy and doesn’t fiddle around my phone much. And aIso, I do usually tend to show him the random guys that are whatsapped to me.

Why is it that 4 of my most eligible friends are still single? 

‘When you are used to being self-sufficient by yourself, unless that other person is really worth it, there is no point losing sleep on it. I am looking for a serious relationship’, said one. ‘ I don’t know, there doesn’t seem to be a guy around catching my interest’, said the other. ‘The guy has to be smart to be able to have a conversation on an intellectual level’, said the third. To all the statements above, each one of us nodded our heads synchronously. 

Theme is, all these ladies and colleagues I know that are single, are all looking for someone they are compatible with, can share their views with and have cerebral stimulation of some kind. These are smart ladies, competition is already narrowed. And with each check on the list, the stairs get steeper. 

But here is the catch, as much as intimidating it sounds, these ladies are very open and understanding. They are very emotionally mature and not necessarily tied to the set criterias as everyone assumes. One of my dear friend is muslim and is open to bisexuality, one of the others doesn’t mind travelling through the borders in quest of love, another is willing to invest time as much as it takes to find the right one. 

When I, myself, started first on online dating, I took a different name and put a different profession. HCA or a nurse occasionally, something medical so if conversation ever came about professional status, I could make relatable comments. The idea of mentioning a doctor in the employment category for some reason made me think, whether I would appear intimidating to others. Which I didn’t want. And as I mentioned before, I wanted to know a person, without putting my everyday history taking skills to use. Of Course alcohol, smoking, drug and family history were going to pop out eventually in the conversation but I didn’t want to know it all in the first 10 mins. There is no need to find a medical condition, label it and prescribe a pill here. I was here to get to know a person, make friends and maybe something more. Conversation had to be both ways. 

It was interesting how my friends reported they felt the same. For various reasons, we were hiding our professional status. Which meant, all of us were not set on dating just doctors or lawyers. Anyone really, who related to our thinking, was understanding that we were independent women, had odd working hours and  needed our own headspace.

It was also quite fascinating that some of my friends thought, putting a doctor as professional status would deter  people as they would assume us to be too high maintenance or rob them of opportunities to show their masculinity. I guess, we don’t really portray the ‘damsel in distress’ look for that. 

We love paying our own bills. Our partners don’t have the financial stress of putting food on the table. We like being hands on, taking part in decisions; that way when things go downhill, we are both to be blamed. We don’t want hierarchy in relationships. Yes, we love being in the kitchen but only as much as our partner would love to. And of course we realize, men and women are different, and each one’s individual role has to be respected. 

Occasionally, there comes an amazing person and one’s heart is set  to it. He  accepts that you have a busy life, you have a career, you have a life outside your relationship and your fundamental views also match; but things don’t work out. Because he is in a different phase in life than you, or it is getting progressively difficult to come to terms with your lifestyle-constantly missing out on family pictures and/or most importantly, you are not part of their life as much as is of yours.

‘I don’t know, I don’t think I want to date. I am not ever planning to have kids. I think it’s obstetric rotation that has put me off,’ one of my colleagues spoke in her view about relationships.   

`We both just wanted to settle and get our careers out of the way first then try for pregnancy but it didn’t happen. Took us 10 years with IVF to get pregnant ’, the other reported, sharing her problem, stating having a right partner is not necessarily the end of the problem. 

Decisions are coming. We are all in that phase of life, where we are hyper aware that our biological clock is ticking.. We are all responsible adults. Can’t help wondering though whether we are taking this responsibility burden too seriously. 

Idea of having an IVF baby from a sperm donor is on hot discussion these days. None of us are against the idea of adopting and raising children ourselves  together. A while ago, I was doing internet research on freezing my eggs, luckily there are those options available now. But not with a robust guarantee. So none of us are confident with letting go of our fertility window stringing to the odd chances. 

Answer is, ‘definitely yes’, all of us are looking for commitment. But readiness to commit is still a bigger agenda. The clock plays a part in decision making, but is not necessarily the only decisive tool. The fertility rate across the developed countries are dramatically falling. I guess the problems we are facing, is what women in careers all over the world are facing now. ‘Is it really the right time to have family? And is it really the right person to bear child with?’. Lack of child care provision makes it even tougher in industrialised nation like UK.

So, I don’t question at all, when I get random strangers popping in my message box from my friend’s number. There is an ongoing hunt for Mr Right and Miss Right. It’s a crazy run in a crazy world with crazy crazy people. ‘Oh boy, oh boy’ am I going to be glad when I finally meet the person in real!! Hahahaha

So you are a Doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened (Dating today)

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/48920216 podcast link

‘All the nice guys are taken, married /engaged or gays or just not around us’. My friend complained handing me over her phone.

‘Here, that’s the app’ she said, showing me letters ‘OKC’ on a bright pink background on her screen. I squeezed my eyes a little. It was middle of night and we were hanging out in the sitting room with a dim light on.

‘So how do you start?’

‘You just find someone you like, if they like you back, you start chatting‘. She said.

‘Okay. How safe is it though?’

‘I haven’t had problem. You just have to be careful about who you talk to. If you decide to meet, meet people in open space or public area and do not give them your number if you are not interested.’

So, I started uploading my pictures in the app the same night. Met a couple of matches quickly and began talking.

My friend is beautiful. Also smart. Very grounded and knows exactly what she is looking for. Me? I had an idea but at the time it was not set in the stone.

The first question I was asked was, ‘why is a doctor in a dating app? what is wrong with you?’

Surely enough I had to move on from that conversation. A person who asks, what is wrong with me on a dating app must be here if there was something wrong with him right?

You choose and skip a lot of potential partners with silly questions and answers like that. Although I suppose in a way, it was a good question only the approach was very direct.

‘What do you think?’, I asked my friend and she commented, ‘of course you need to think if something is wrong with them. You meet people and partners through friends, schools, colleges and work space. And if they he haven’t met anyone by now, something must be wrong with them right?’

‘What about us then ?’I queried.

‘Our situation is different. We had to move in to a different place. We are trying to start from the start here’.

Anyone would have raised their brows if they found out a couple had met in a dating app, in Nepal. Assumption is ‘desperate’, ‘wasn’t able to find a good guy or a girl here’ etc etc. Honestly, I don’t think situation is any different in the UK. Have a feeling, assumption is, online dating apps equates to casual hook-ups in most people’s minds.

Am I suppose to think that, my person, has to be one of 10-15 people I see everyday locally? That something must be wrong with me because I don’t find them emotionally or physically attractive? 7.5 billion people in the world and love of my life is supposed to be the man next door? I won’t find the person if I sit and wait on my fat arse all day hanging out on same corner, going to same work everyday, and talking to same people.

We all live busy lives, sometimes we barely have time to cook a decent meal. Life is stressful as it is. We don’t have time for our friends, where is time for us to make new friends or meet a new acquaintance? If opportunities come, that could give you a chance to meet someone you are compatible with, I think everyone should take it. Dating apps are great in that sense. Its a win win, even if you do not think you are for each other, you get to learn about other individual’s life, hobbies and interests.

I met Joey too in a dating app. I suppose we locked each other right away. Gone are the days of meeting people in the pubs. If you ask me, for me that’d be a warning sign Haha. And gone are the days like my parents, when they would meet up in festivals, sing and dance all day, catch each other’s attention and elope. Too cheeky. I’d be stupid to sneak off with anyone at this age. Why would I? I probably earn more than the guy and treated myself better. It is not the time for blind faith anymore. Who knows what the charming psychopath has on mind?

Most single friends I have are on the apps now. Of course online dating comes with some disadvantages of its own. And all of my friends have a story or two to share. There are inclusive sites as well if one knows the exact description of partner they are looking for according to the profession, race and nationalities. Foreign faces like mine were more into these inclusive dating apps.

You can order a bride on a mail nowadays. Hopefully you don’t have to go too far like that, but if you find happiness and your person one click away of a finger, ‘why not’ right?

‘COVID dating was difficult‘, my friend said. ‘It was difficult to meet up first, a lot of back and forth messages while there was lock down and social distancing rules. When you did get to meet up, there was face masks, you couldn’t really study a person when they were saying something. You could never get a booking in a decent restaurant. Even if you did, booths were barred with glasses and plastics. It was all weird’.

‘For me, it was important to know what their vaccination status was’, the other said. ‘I’m reasonable person. I will listen to reasons if they can defend their beliefs. But unvaccinated? People who don’t believe in medicine or science are; no, no. Not for me’.

Seems like some decisions were straightforward easier in COVID times. I don’t know if these apps did include ‘vaccination status’ in their profile. But I think if they did, it would have been quite reasonable.

Anyways those who met in COVID and are still together, I am keen to hear about your story of ‘love in COVID’. Share with us, will you?

So you are a Doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened (Isolation -2)

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/48906953 podcast link

After day 6, my sore throat started settling. My sleep started getting better which in turn helped my headache and muscle aches. I started moving around the flat, trying to get my legs moving. At back of my mind, I had considered myself to be high risk for blood clots. By this time, it has been established COVID infection did result in clotting abnormalities. So, it was important to keep circulation flowing from calves.

I was nauseous. We know, one of the primary symptoms of COVID was anosmia- loss of smell and ageusia- loss of taste. I remember one of my colleague saying, she couldn’t smell a thing when she got COVID and it took at least a good couple of weeks for her to get it fully back. Another colleague had complained, ‘Prosecco tastes like rotten egg. And I used to love prosecco’. I had heard patients complain distortion of taste and smell to some extent and read others experience about it. Naturally, I was quite curious.

I don’t quite know how to describe my experience of distorted smell/taste perception. It started after my nasal congestion had started settling. For me, I could still smell perfume, candles, foods; my smell hadn’t really gone. It just felt heightened like all these smell I used to like had an off distinct sharp twang that I didn’t like now at all and to top it, all of them had a coated layer of metallic smell / or a smell of mouldy bread. I looked around the room, the flat I live in is quite cold. Most days, I yank up all my heaters to warm it a bit, it drives my electric bill through the roof but after 5-10 mins of switching my radiators off, the flat is still cold again. I saw, they had started developing moulds in corner. So, I took a dry towel and started cleaning. After working for some hours, I was pleased with my hard work. But the smell was still there.

The nausea did not go away. I vomited a couple of times. My appetite had gone. No surprise there. Scientists have claimed, as high as 80% of our taste are the result of our olfactory function. I am a foodie. I love food. Any kind. Having an off taste in food was not helping my situation.

‘Early return to work’ I received an email on my phone. It read, if I am asymptomatic on day 6 I could discuss with my line manager about early release from isolation. The email advised, LFT to be done on day 7 and day 8, if negative I could re-join work on 14th. On another email I was suggested to have step down PCR on day 9 since I was working on a high risk area. It was confusing. Still is. All these protocols. While I read it over, the message popped in my phone again from test and trace, ‘It is a legal duty to stay at home and self-isolate. You could be fined if you do not’. It read. I switched off my phone. Was nice to be away from all those bling bling noises of wattsapp and red streaks on my emails. If you haven’t tried it yet, do it too. Trust me, half of time, our anxiety is all because of our phones.

‘I only want to focus in getting better, in one piece at present.’

I like peace and quietness around me. Watching london so full of life last weekend, might be changing my mind. I wanted to disappear in it like a rat in one of its drains that day. ‘There is so much to do, places to hang out, people to meet, you never feel alone there’.

‘We could make a list of all good restaurants we go to. Taste all the cuisines of different parts of the world. I could meet the right guy here’. My friend had said, trying to persuade me to move in into London as well.

‘Agreed’ I laughed. ‘We’ll tap on the shoulder of next handsome looking guy sitting next to us, ask him if he is single and get his number. It will be a fun for us and hey if it works out, it does and if it doesn’t well we all have something to laugh about’.

‘Yeah. Lets do that. Lets do that!’. We all agreed on it.

London is busy and overcrowded. Streets are narrow. It is no where in comparison to flashy towers I keep seeing of New York city in the TV or the movies. Or Hongkong. Or Singapore. Some people frown asking ‘what is there to see?’. Some are annoyed at the thought of the traffic in narrow roads with big red double decker buses. Joey hates it. Hates the idea of ever finding himself in one of the streets of London. ‘Too many things happening all around’ he says. ‘But I can come there if you want me to, to visit’.

I think, those who love the city, love it for many reasons. Of course there is art, there is history. For me, I feel, there is a comfort in it. A sense of cosiness and a welcome vibe. I see so many people like me, like Joey, people from all over the world with all their uniqueness and talents come together. People I have never met but I’ll some day. Its a hub, a pulse of the thriving lives that holds so many dreams and connects so many stories. Look deeper, the city just reels you in. Like my friend says ‘you are never really alone.’ Feeling lonely however is a different thing.

Isolation, my friend, is necessary sometimes. If you haven’t learnt to be alone with yourself, you haven’t really learnt anything about yourself. Every people we meet and interact with on day to day is changing us in numerous subtle ways. It is important that we know, who we are on our own when we are stripped of all these connections. So isolation sometimes us good, almost like a meditation. But other times, it is missing out on an opportunity to make an amazing memory. And without our memories, who are we?