So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine, heading thirties and Corona happened (Dilemmas) ;)

‘So you aren’t marrying any time soon?‘, one of my aunts asked quite perplexed. Studying my face closely for answers, trying to decipher any hidden secrets my expressions might give away that she was sure I was not telling her. ‘I will. Eventually. Don’t think I am in right position to marry yet. And quite frankly don’t think I have met a person to make a husband.’ Her eyes became huge as if they would pop out soon and she said, ‘You are a doctor in UK! You make 4 lakh a month on your salary. You are getting old. Of course you are in the position to marry. What? What are you saying? There are but men everywhere to be married. Look at you. Who will say no to you?‘. ‘Aunty. Stop it’, I replied laughing, a little shy, but feeling somewhat boosted in my ego. ‘We will find a handsome Nepalese man for you. Within our ethnicity. Khas(Native Nepalese) speakers don’t understand value of our families and communities’. ‘There we go again’, I said in my head, ‘the same thing I talk with my Mom over and over’. Its good enough I am agreeing to marry Nepalese, why go hunting deeper into a pond of only few available eligible choices right? 😉

I have many cousins and friends travelling to Nepal to marry into their ethnicities. Surprisingly most that I know, brought up and raised in UK also married within the same or similar characteristics. Primary reasoning factor being, trust therefore the security it came with but also they felt, partnership was much better built on foundation where they both knew what there backgrounds were. Aunts and cousins play big role being matchmakers in asian communities. Love stories are great, but modern arrange marriages are topping the competitions for fulfilling marriages; thanks to them! Bless my aunts they are keen but here is glitch, I have a british citizenship.

Let me explain. Undoubtedly there is a big hype of wanting to live in the western developed nations in Asia. There is a myth that as soon as you enter the country, you become rich! Of course there is conversion factor of pound to Nepalese equivalent that plays a role. And ‘yes’ UK is better in infrastructure, and facilities but the mindset of Nepalese community is such that, they put these countries at high pedestal. And only goals most of youngsters and working population of our generation is focused is on finding a gate away from there. So I can’t be sure if a guy I am choosing to be with is, with me because of my merits or because he wants the citizenship? If he is compatible, honourable, trustworthy, hardworking that is fine. As his partner I will help him learn the ways, but I have heard stories from my cousins or cousin’s friends (you know how it goes) that some of these men they married were lazy, egoistic and refused to work when their bachelor’s degree on specific fields were not recognised by the UK. Stating they will not be working minimum wage job and it was humiliating for them; whilst boasting to his friends back home his wife owns a house in the UK. He selectively chooses not to believe there is mortgage she is paying and will be paying for 19/20 years. Meanwhile he doesn’t mind depending on her fully to support him. Worst story I have heard so far was, a woman falling in love with this amazing guy with a great personality who was always well dressed with smart attire, full shirt and full pants. Only to realise after marriage, he was an IV drug user with needle marks everywhere who eventually died of heroin overdose, here. Mom has had enough of these stories of men. For someone who is insisting, I am running out of my choices, she seemed glad to see me in one person with no one’s arm around me, following my trip to Nepal.

Similar story was other way around. Although to much lesser extent in numbers. With wives of my related cousins and friends. Women were being brainwashed by sudden exposure to these huge influences on medias, all sorts of information overload; eventually causing them to break away from her family & personal commitments and leaving their partner with children, eloping with their lovers. For some reason, my mom seems super conscious of the inevitabilty of the second one , therefore is actively looking for a suitable Nepalese woman ‘here’ in UK for arrange marriage for both of my brothers. Good luck finding that! I guess it is a hard pill to swallow, if you think about it. When you actively seek the person, travel overseas to bring them to you, to make them a part of your life and then to feel betrayed.

There have been worse circumstances including kidnapping, forgery and scamming people to obtain the blue pass. Some so traumatic that I am unable to write the detail here. It would baffle anyone with a good heart to know, people will go to any length to take advantage of others. So yes, in a way holding the british citizenship makes me eligible and ineligible at the same time in the community overseas. Don’t get me wrong, there are men and women out there more qualified than me, good individuals who are also looking for right life partners. But one needs to be aware of these situations, than to regret later. Our concerns comes from situations that has happened to our own.

My mother used to say, in some villages, in her times, women would trap the gurkha men in the room with themselves in purpose to later claim they have been violated therefore he needs to marry her. The events happened in masses when the men came back to their homes for holidays. And some women didnot care that they were already married or had children. It was sort of ‘a mad hype’ as mom stated, as gurkha men were considered very eligible bachelors and, most of theses women wanted their way out to the west. On finishing her tale, mom looked at us and said, ‘You are tickets out for some men out there. Be careful’.

I did introduce my Italian ex to my parents. Yes I’d say 5-6 months was too soon. But he was certainly cheeky with it, got me in a position where I had to breech the topic of me dating him. And second, after my previous relationship, I felt, maybe I did take too long time to introduce Joey. I have now broken up with him but when one of my parents asks ‘how is he doing?‘. I can’t help but to reply ‘Yeah. All good’. They wouldn’t believe if I said, ‘we have moved on’. ‘That’s what we talked about dating men of the west’ mom would have said and rolled her eyes at me.

I don’t know if it is really a thing, but I have picked up on social medias that men in USA and European countries now are going to asian countries to bring back home a wife/partner from those countries. I guess in asian communities, we were raised in a very closely knitted family values so ultimately, culturally and socially we are programmed to choose men who have that readiness and values we are looking for to have our own starts. Asian men we know in most instances came from those setups. When western men show up and express those commitment in genuine ways, it wouldn’t be surprise for women to accept them as potential suitors as well. I don’t know what the verdict on it is, but having seen the both ends, I will tell you this, ‘an asian woman, especially her friends and family, will have lot of reservations and resistance to just pick a bag, leave a country and marry a man of the west. Until and unless of course she knows him a lot better and is willing to take a chance. A big chance‘. You could be a trafficker, for god sake! Take for instance, my friends absolutely admired Joey. He was amazing person but on every chance they get, being the family they are to me, with 100% good intention they would still always ask me ‘are you sure?’. And we were together for 3 years! As much as I believe, world is a free ticket and you are allowed to marry where you find love. Please do not forget you need to be a man or woman of high value yourself to expect a man or woman of high value. I won’t lie to you. ‘Yes’ the perception is ‘because they could not find the right partners in their countries’. Same for me, when I am choosing to go back and be arranged in Nepal. People will have perceptions of all sorts. It may sound negative but it is true to an extent. It doesn’t mean there are no high values partners in the west, maybe you haven’t met one. You felt there are more chances and you took the chances, you did the right thing for you. Only thing to suggest is, do evaluate, spend some time, find out ‘does your potential partner have the virtues you are looking for or have they got more ulterior motives?’ before you fly them over across the continent. God bless, you have found your right match and a wholesome partner for life.

One of my Nepalese colleague from a different department approached me at my work one time and asked, ‘You are still single right doctor?’ . ‘No. I am seeing someone’. ‘Nepalese?’ she then asked. ‘English‘.I answered. ‘Married?’she questioned. ‘No’, I replied. ‘Great!’, she suddenly then gleamed excitedly and said to me, ‘Would you be interested in my brother. I will give you his number’. ‘But I am already on a relationship’, I stuttered. ‘Yes. But he is white. It won’t last’.

I wonder, if my Asian mom and friends have been watching too much of James Bond movies? Candy eyes and a player. And they think all men in the west or any other countries apart from ours are like that. Or whether there is a secret message, they want me to decipher without having to tell me. My parents were fine with my ex, I would go as far as to say, they like him enough to ask about him. But looking at how chill Mom has been, all about it, I have been wondering whether she believes she knows the eventual outcome, which is ‘it really doesn’t matter?’. It is hard enough to be judged in a stereotypical way, ‘you are asian, why are you not choosing our kind?’. But to be met with a silent stare and tight pursed lips that shouts, ‘I told you so,’ is again whole another thing. Honestly, there is no winning. Welcome to life on single immigrant woman in thirties!

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 3)

8 months ago I started dating this guy who just swept me off my feet. 8 months later, I am without my savings and on a debt. Some I just paid and some will probably take a year to pay off. ‘He is just in a difficult place, he needs some help, some stability in his life so I need to help him’ I kept reasoning myself. And even though there were days  it was very difficult for me to truly accept him for how he is or believe his stories I pushed myself to do so. ‘Thats what a virtuous woman does, she sticks to her decisions and sees it through’. I ignored the small voice in my head constantly whispering  ‘this doesn’t feel right’ and turned blind eye to my sister & my friends warning ‘red flags!’. 

No-one seemed to be accepting of him. I assumed it was the ‘ex’ effect and that it would eventually go away. Both my siblings and friends were fond of my ex so I thought it wasn’t fair on him that he was’t getting any chance to prove himself. 

That day, it was cold and drizzling. I was walking around in a new city tired, hungry and frustrated searching flats to flats for a place to rent on my own. While I was getting to the station, my boyfriend called me. ‘Can you help me pay, my account didn’t work’ he said. A pay for a second time for the same course for which I had transferred him money yesterday? It wasn’t a big amount. But if you added to the amount that had been going out of my account to his since the time we started dating, it added to roughly 14-15k. 

If he had’t made me double pay couple of times before after having transferred him through money already, believing his account was playing up again, maybe I would have let it slide. But despite knowing I needed a month’s rent money in advance with security deposit pay and other fees like agents or moving fees; listening to him be very  invested in getting my money off me still? Was hurtful and insulting. 

I thought I saw him you know. For who he is. And I told myself, if I didn’t who would. I thought he was genuine and I felt it wasn’t fair that he had to put hold on to his ambitions and dreams due to some misfortunes. He said, he lost everything in his business. ‘He has potential, he just needs a chance’. He had no-one of his own to help and I didn’t want him to feel that way and spiral down to being a lost cause; he often said he would stating ‘he had nothing to live for’.  Don’t  have money, don’t have any power either but wanted to be helpful however I could.

More than a year rent of pay. Is it not enough for? I hoped it would buy him some mental peace and space to rethink his situations. Recover, re-boost and turn himself around to a positive direction. Didn’t have it on me so I burrowed. Hoping someday he would be grateful and pay me back as well so I can pay in turn pay the creditors. ‘Can you not talk about money?’ He comments. ‘Can it just be us?’.

How can it be though? When every time he talks, it feels like he is skimming his conversation to ask for more. Paying for his air b&bs or car repairs, burrowed digits have been stagnant for a while, favours continues to climb up steeply. Wouldn’t be surprised what I get in return as burrowed money is the money I spend on finding him accommodation and maintaining his veichle to get to work.

And he calls me ‘crazy’ when I get mad. 

Why wouldn’t I be? I am working on my career break slaving for money.  50£/hr, my colleagues tease  ‘you are now printing your own money’. None of it is staying in my account. It is going to pay his credit, the burrowed money. 

Would you invest as much as I have on a person you have only started dating? Who is homeless, in-between jobs often and keeps running away? I am trying to put a brave face. But I feel at this point I have done everything I could have to stand up for this relationship. I feel stupid. One foolish decision now does impact every avenues of my life.

‘I burrowed him 600£’. 

‘You didnot!’, my girlfriends had said, the first time I transferred him the triple digits. ‘Tinder swindler’, they asked me to watch that day. And every reunion the same query ‘are you still seeing him? Be careful. He sounds like he is going to be a bad financial decision’.  It’s become a mountain since then and I have remain hushed. 

Should I say, there are women as naive as me out here to you or should I say there are women out here who still believe in building foundations from scratch for relationship. If we survive this, it will be so much better I thought. What is life without love, without passion, without taking risks sometimes…

A lot of things has happened. This year has tested my beliefs, my patience and my life choices. I thank god that at-least I was on my career break! Hahaha. 

I know of people who have lost everything and are starting from scratch. Restaurant owners before, now folding t-shirts in a factory. There is a pride in spending sweat and working hard. One doesn’t recognise value of pennies unless one works for it. Like, one doesn’t recognise value of life unless one is thriving to live for it. 

I suppose he always knew the right words to say. ‘Noone will do what I would do for you’, I suppose I wanted to hear that.

The lesson I learn from here is, don’t. ‘Don’t collect red flags’ like Steve Harvey says. The troubled souls, the broken dreamers. Life is short. Associate yourselves with positive successful people, with happy go getters, in a positive circle. Birds of same feathers flock together.. If you want happiness, you need to be surrounded with similar energy. 

There is no reason to keep proving yourself in a flawed relationship where your partner did have all the chances but never took it. I suppose that’s where women ought to be careful ‘are you lowering your standards by not letting men prove to you their worth first?’.

Anyways finally admitting to myself Italian sweetheart has bankrupt me. Now you know why ‘financial’ stability has become an ‘it’ factor for me too. Leaving him back with 2022 and moving on.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened. (Bye bye 2022. With love. Part 2 )

I suppose in personal life, a major part of what 2022 taught me was, a woman needs to pair up with the other half who is emotionally, intellectually and financially on a similar level as she is. When I mean emotionally; with a similar level of life experiences, maturity and a zest for life. I have realised it is also important to consider whether your partner had a similar upbringing and a background to yours. And I will explain my reasons in the following paragraphs.  Intellectually in a sense, the decision to not date a medical person was entirely up to me so I didn’t expect my partners to know the human body inside and out. But at a level where you can see that there is an understanding and reliability; that  you can trust them with some major decisions that are going to affect both of your lives in the long run. And ‘yes’ financially. Everyone wants their partners to have a stable job that pays them out and allows them to be independent people of their own and yes’, that was an important thing for me as well. But after certain experiences in life like running around London city with 10£ in pocket to last me the whole day, I knew people’s situation changed so it was never an ‘it’ factor for me, up until now. 

At my age, I cannot risk making random decisions anymore. Unfortunately neither do I have time like in my teens to amend those over the years and turn a new leaf. Foolish decisions ‘now’ will impact every aspect of my life. Of Course there is mental health but in the same tug, other areas of  my livelihood; like family & friendships, social status and job prospects will come undone. When I was in my early teens, I used to look at people as ‘old’ not in a bad way, but as someone who is wise, knows who they are, where they stand and what their roles and purpose are; having been through plenty ordeals in their early years shaping and shifting them to their now ‘present’, at pinnacle of their lives. In my thirties now, I know how wrong my thoughts were. In my mind I don’t feel like I have aged at all, from my late teens. I still do stupid things, like commit to a relationship for 8 months with the first guy I met on a dating app. Like that time, I showed up on a photoshoot in london. Or going back  in a relationship for another year with a guy with whom I knew I had no future. Standing in 2023, I feel confident about not repeating those mistakes. At times I lash out, being bitter to the men but ‘hey’ I have moved on. I seem to forget sometimes there was a reason why they were ex’s right? Now, I try to be emotionally corked at all times hahaha. I mean, I am trying to be self aware  how I respond and react to things. I am conscious about where I vest my emotions. In today’s world one needs to be. Heart in your sleeves and you might end up being dead in a gutter, from your mansion down to sleeping bags on streets, behind the prison bars for the crimes you didn’t commit or the commonest of all, being a stepping stone for people looking for easy rides when you are working to your bones. Gold diggers. 

I want to be emotionally mature enough to feel that a girl in me can trust the adult I have become. That she is trustworthy with her decisions without doubts and fears in my mind and, she has thoroughly thought about all the consequences of her actions. That I can be the daughter I was born to be and enjoy my childhood as I was meant to like any child. So I have memories I could laugh about someday looking back. Not having to wake up one day in my thirties and suddenly realising time has left me behind. 

Standing in 2023, I don’t think I will ever be ready to be a mother. Until, I feel confident that I can raise a happy little smart girl, on my own. With no security, no fall back or reassurance needed from anyone else. ‘That I am her mother and I know best for her. And I will do my best’. I don’t think I will be ready, until I am 100% ready to sacrifice my independence and part of life like I watched mother did so. It would be good to have a trustworthy partner and at the same level of emotional maturity to be able to take that responsibility but who am I kidding? The world we live in, from a woman’s perspective, I am only coming across men who have a tag on their forehead written  ‘It’s okay I’ll sow the seeds but I will never be ready for responsibility.’

As a partner, you are either 100% in it or not. You will change diapers as much as I will and you’ll miss your social events as much as I will. If you are not all in on it, I (we- speaking for all women) don’t want your liabilities and lazy ass delta genes. WE will respect you more, if you are honest and open about it in the first instance. At least that way, we had options but we chose it to be that way.

People are in different stages of life. Some never want children. Some are not in that phase to take responsibility. I don’t feel at all that I am there neither.  Of course, so don’t sow your seeds then. Definitely not on a phase, when you are hanging out in pubs 24/7 with your lads, playing games 24/7 with your boys, living cheque to cheque but your clothes cost you more than you can afford and, definitely not when you are jobless. The list goes on and on. It may sound that I am quoting obvious but I don’t think most men nowadays have a clue at all. I don’t know if its the social medias or the construct of the social ideology we live in, people have latest i-phones in their hands but not a bit of common sense, latest technologies but are dumber than ever. Having babies is not fashion, impregnating a woman is not a mark of your manhood; responsibility is commitment, not everyone is built for it. Like look into yourselves, please don’t act 16 on a 30 year old body. You are heading fast forward on your route to becoming a peeping tom and mom’s whispering to their children ‘don’t go near that man baby creep’. Look at yourselves too ladies, there is difference being treated right with gifts and being bought with gifts. Don’t complain about losing your man to second woman if you only married him in first instance for money. For god sake, stop being victims. You make women who actually are victims puke in their throats. Its a hard realisation but grow up, time will only move forward. Soon you will all be 16 on a 70 year old bodies. Wrinkly, cranky and crazy.

So you’re a doc, a foreign cuisine and Corona happened (August is here. )

(August late post)

So August is here. Most of us had have our end of year evaluations and managed to pass out with flying colours. I did gloriously too with a little help of ‘Covid derogations’ application. Which basically means, some of the tick boxes I did not achieve this year did not not hold me back from progressing to next year because it was assumed that part of the training was affected by the pandemic. Example getting a certain number of clinics for the given year. Since a majority portion of our outpatient appointments are still functioning as only essential slots to avoid face to face contacts which would mean less learning opportunities for us.

Some have managed to find hospital accommodations to live in by now, some of the junior docs are still probably looking for mates to share a flat or the house. Hopefully still not living B&B to B&B or couch surfing at friend’s dragging a massive plastic bag of clothes living a hobo life. Lets see; a PJ, a blanket, a towel and 2-3 days of work uniforms? Sounds about right. Lets lump it all aside in one corner, everything in place just a few fumble away in a plastic bag. When you finish a row of night shifts at one hospital on the 2nd of August and are expected to work the same day for the next placement in an entirely new setup in a different hospital on the 2nd; you will be doing that too. But, worry not my friends. Soon you’ll have days when you will be sitting on a fancy restaurant on a fancy outfit having a fancy meal on your hard earned pay check.

ARCP as in ‘the end of year evaluation’ of trainees usually happens on last weeks of June or first few weeks of July. Nothing really to worry about if one is keeping in track with their portfolio and ticking checks left and right on number of cases, procedures, feedbacks and so on. But can be quite a struggle if you are not determined enough to sit down and work on it between or after shifts or have a dedicated few hours at least once a week just allocated to it. In a way for doctors in training in UK, we breathe our life in and out around our ‘portfolios.’ It is evidence to show career progression and without proof on it to back the competency levels, no one will pass the year.

‘Portfolio’ is quite a work. From my experience, more when you are new to the hospital environment; especially when you are new to the training system. It really helps if you are an extrovert and have great people skills but that does not mean introverts won’t get anything done. It will take you a little longer time to catch up on pace but you’ll get there. This year alone, we needed 12 people to sign us off in a category called ‘Multisource feedback MSF’ which is sort of like a character statement where our colleagues would be asked to comment on us on our communication skills, attitude, team player role, reliability/punctuality and leadership. These feedbacks will be from combination of people from different job roles apart from the doctors like nurses, pharmacist, health care assistants, physiotherapists, patient flow coordinators etc. We needed 4 multi consultant (MCRs) report on our performances, 4 ACATs (acute care assessment tool) where we present 5 cases each to our on-call consultants for our evaluations and additionally, 4 CBD(case based discussion) or minicexs-where we again discuss history, examination and management of each individual cases we saw in depth. On a rough estimate, by the end of year, those were at least 9-10 consultants we were following around in and out of our rotations to get our sign offs. The number maybe even more, if you are unable to get the same consultant to sign you off on multiple forms.

Undoubtedly it is going to be a tough year if you are under a sore eye of even one consultant, especially in a small DGH (District General Hospital). Trainees talk, trainers too. You’d be surprised how much of chitchats and dramas flows from floor to floor between meals, between clinics and between ward rounds. A whisper about a medical student here and it has reached a consultant’s ear on the other building top floor by the day’s end. Be careful of what you say and especially as a foreign trainee with thick accent ‘be careful of how you say it’. Control your pitch. Do some humming exercise if you have to. Control your flow of your speech, aim to articulate as distinctly as possible. Count seconds between words if you have to. And if its the pronunciation that comes out as naturally harsh expression not because you mean it but that is how you speak in your natural mother tongue language; for example if the words you are speaking is a throat sound which may not be as softer tone as from chest vocalisation almost a whisper like British people are used to… follow it with a big smile. Trust me watching that smile, adds a whole different meaning to the sentence you just spoke than listening over phone or without your facial expression on equation. There are other cultural aspects too to approaching a conversation that you will eventually learn as a foreign grad. For example it took me quite a bit time, to set the loudness of my voice to adjust to a conversation. Naturally I have a soft voice. In my culture, you always address your seniors with lower or softer voice. Being loud is considered a sign of disrespect. Now that in UK’s setting, may be perceived as lack of confidence. Children here are encouraged to speak up from a young age, there is levelling of hierarchy to encourage good learning environment. Confidence is about expressing thoughts, being heard and getting a feedback in some form suggesting given view was acknowledged. In setting I was raised and taught on, its unidirectional flow, almost always. I remember, during my initial days in the job in UK, I was being constantly asked to be louder when I was presenting or handing over. I often felt a little frustrated. It felt as though it was disrespect to me because I am being asked again and again to repeat myself. But looking retrospectively, I can see where the problem is. And as I tried to adapt, I started going the other end, practicing to be louder which I didn’t realise with my accent was posing another problem. I was starting to sound rude to people when all I was trying honest to god was to just dial my tone to right decibels. ‘Smile.’ Trust me, it works great as non verbal communication method to support gaps where you might be lacking. Although, I do have to let you know my high school teacher once said to us, ‘as girls/women one has to be very careful of how openly one smile at others. It might send a wrong message’.

It does makes a big difference to have a right environment setup where trainees are supported well with their requirements without hustling day and night for a sign off and where the trainers/ consultants are approachable & encouraged to help trainees meet their competencies as part of an educational process.

Some seniors readily agree. Mostly the ones, who themselves have just come out of the system and are well aware how tedious it is to get these little checks. Some will out out rightly reject you and want you to prove yourself more before they can make a comment, which is fair. Only problem is, in ever changing and busy world of NHS, consultants are barely on same shift on 2 days in a row. The case you saw last with them they may not be able to recall next time (probably after 2-3 weeks) in which instance they may ask you to repeat the same process again. Also need to be aware, if they were only visiting/locum consultants you may miss an opportunity for sign off as visiting consultants are not responsible for your training.

I cannot stress enough how important ‘People skills’ are in our profession whether with patients, with colleagues or with seniors. Especially in a profession like surgery where everything you are trying to be is almost a copy of complete persona of your supervising surgeon- the posture, the movements of hands, the precision of scalp incision, the steps of procedurals technique, the suturing skills etc etc and, everything you will grasp is a perfected skillset handed down after years and years of practice. And although it is not 17th century unlike when The Chameberlen family hid their discovery of forceps for 5 generations within themselves and devoid the world of marvels of their important discovery; having just an average level of rapport skills will prove to be unfair disadvantage. Remember world of Medicine is still a learning environment. You are a teacher and you are a student.

One has to make sure, they get a good educational supervisor allocated for the given year. Luckily for me, I found out on time that I could request the deanery to reallocate me the same supervisor I had last year. A supervisor’s job role is a big responsibility in a sense that the allocated consultant will be the mentor/the guardian for the given trainee’s entire year. He/She will have a big role guiding the trainee through their career development keeping a close eye on their portfolio while advising and supporting them on both personal and professional levels. My supervisor has gone out and beyond to help me this year and I am really grateful.

I have handed my job responsibilities, signed off my outcome sheet for this year and now, am sitting on a chair on a bright afternoon day at 1:30pm on a weekday having morning tea. The black week has come and gone and the consultants seem to be feeling more settled in trusting the new doctors with their job roles.

As most of were leaving current hospital placement to other, we delivered some cards to our seniors thanking for their support. ‘It is hard to see you guys leave every year.’ Our consultant said. ‘You only start remembering the names by midyear and by the end of year most of you would move away. You get attached. Then you have to do the same thing again with new trainees. Year by year’.

Anyways, for me ‘August is done’. No more portfolios, no more on-calls and night shift for few months. No more exams, courses and seminars. I have been picking agency shifts to pay my rent and stay afloat as and when I can and that is all. The freedom of picking your own time to work? Nothing beats the feeling! I am really glad that HEE have now taken more steps to provide opportunities to trainees to take career breaks and get into part training programs. A couple of my colleagues have also recently applied to go 80%, 60%. Training is UK is really long compared to anywhere else in the world. Going part time will add extra years. But I suppose most of are at that phase in life where we all feel, as long as their is some progression it is alright.

As I may have explained before, one no longer needs to fill those extensive forms to prove one falls in the certain quota to be accepted for the breaks or part time programs. It’s a great start. Both for trainees and NHS. In past years trainees have been leaving NHS left and right to work in private sectors or to work outside in different countries. Australia used to be most popular destination. Now my colleagues are leaving for New Zealand, USA, some of them are even going to middle east. A couple of them are thinking of changing career paths. So, yeah, for both of us, it is a good start.

As for me, with all this time in my hand now, I need to crack on slowly with my little list of things to do in life. Sort out the clutters slowly, clear my diaries to make room for more plans. Finally, finally I feel like I am ready to embrace my 30s. 20s went so fast. Its like that 2 years of COVID most of us were not ready to accept that we had lost it in one click of a finger. Time equates to memories, I think. When you look back and can’t remember much of what you did those years, you don’t seem to be able to track it. I suppose, I now understand what they mean when they say ‘its not about how long you live, its about you live it.’